Bachelor Recap E04: Locky's Letters Home
It was time to pull out the big guns (mine) and remind everyone this is Locky's show - and Locky good at outdoors.
By Jessica Taylor Yates and Nicole Sherwin
"Locky big. Oshi small." Source: Channel 10
After Areeba stole all my screentime last night with her ̶r̶a̶t̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶w̶i̶n̶n̶e̶r̶ temper tantrum, it was time to remind everyone that THIS IS LOCKY’S SHOW. It was time for me to pull out the big guns (mine) and remind everyone that Locky is good at outdoors!
I took one of the dancing blondes on a bushwalk, but mummy, you know me, always the ADVENTURER, I snuck in a little abseiling. Dancing blonde was scared, I suggested we go and get some chips and gravy instead, those servo sangas really weren’t touching the edges. But she wanted to impress me and I wanted to show her my 1̶2̶-̶i̶n̶c̶h̶ ̶p̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶s̶a̶f̶e̶t̶y̶ ̶h̶a̶r̶n̶e̶s̶s̶ skills. Mummy, I know it’s naughty to kiss all the girls, but ̶I̶’̶m̶ ̶a̶ ̶m̶a̶n̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶w̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶n̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶s̶l̶u̶t̶s̶h̶a̶m̶e̶d̶, the blondes are so pretty, I can’t help myself.
"If I have Corona, the whole Ishka Mansion is in BIG TROUBLE!" Source: 10 Play
̶T̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶s̶w̶i̶t̶c̶h̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶l̶i̶g̶h̶t̶s̶ ̶o̶f̶f̶ Night fell, and it was time to get serious. She’s a dancer, so I know she’s good to salsa with me after free pouring tequila at Motel Mexicola, but had to figure out how willing she was to ̶g̶i̶v̶e̶ ̶u̶p̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶w̶h̶o̶l̶e̶ ̶l̶i̶f̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶m̶e̶ move to Bali permanently. And guess what mummy, she’s ̶g̶i̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶u̶p̶ ̶d̶a̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶b̶l̶u̶e̶ ̶t̶i̶c̶k̶ injured herself, so now she teaches. This is great news because she can teach English in Bali mummy! I think blonde dancer could be a real contender for Locky’s Real Housewife of Kuta.
I was getting sick of these ̶c̶h̶a̶l̶l̶e̶n̶g̶e̶s̶ group dates where the girls got all the screen time, so I had to make it more about Locky, and Locky good at Gridiron. Remember mummy how I ̶a̶u̶t̶o̶m̶a̶t̶i̶c̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ made the Australia team ̶b̶e̶c̶a̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶n̶o̶b̶o̶d̶y̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶y̶s̶ ̶g̶r̶i̶d̶i̶r̶o̶n̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶e̶?̶ But I didn’t want to get dirty in front of the cameras, yucky. So I made the girls ̶m̶u̶d̶ ̶w̶r̶e̶s̶t̶l̶e̶ play, while I watched and made Oshi held my umbrella. I invited the non-blonde from last night so I could thank her for the ̶V̶I̶P̶ ̶t̶i̶c̶k̶e̶t̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶W̶a̶t̶e̶r̶b̶o̶m̶ ̶P̶a̶r̶k̶ note, but she wasn’t there. Areeba was there. Mummy, did Areeba 'Tonya Harding' the other non-blonde? I was scared. But turns out Areeba wasn’t the only one to be scared of. Apparently one of the blondes, Roxi, had recently escaped from ̶p̶r̶i̶s̶o̶n̶ Oshi’s dungeon. I can see why Oshi keeps her down there mummy, she’s scarier than working a real job after this. Oshi’s rose pruners went missing earlier that morning, and mummy, I think we both know who stole them. So I had to give P̶r̶i̶s̶o̶n̶b̶r̶e̶a̶k̶ Roxi the MVP. I had the lives of 234 blondes and Oshi in my hands.
"There's a code for 50,000 real Instagram followers down there!" Source: 10 Play
Now mummy, back on the abseiling date, I did a naughty. I I̶̶̶t̶h̶r̶e̶a̶n̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶e̶d̶g̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶c̶l̶i̶f̶f̶ had a strong word to the producers about loosening the purse strings. I mean, look at those costumes on The Masked Singer! Channel 10 has more cash than the King of Kuta! But mummy, it paid off because they gave me my favourite food for the date with ol' Prisonbreak, cheetos and hotdogs! Mummy, I had to tell a few porkies ̶w̶h̶i̶l̶e̶ P̶r̶i̶s̶o̶n̶b̶r̶e̶a̶k̶ ̶h̶a̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶r̶o̶s̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶u̶n̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶p̶r̶e̶s̶s̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶o̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶b̶a̶c̶k̶ but, don’t worry, I don’t really want her to ‘touchdown’ my pants, but I was just so scared mummy! I was scared if I didn’t give her a rose she would hurt me…and maybe my family. But Oshi told me not to worry, because with those mandatory tatts, Oshi’s already booked her flight to Fiji for Bachelor in Paradise.
"Just need some Mercer Valley and we're bonza!" Source: 10 Play
Back at the Ishka Mansion...
YOUFOODZ Eat, Enjoy, Repeat. We Make It Easy - Just Heat!
"Another cracking costume Rosemary!" Source: 10 Play
Oh mummy, somebody needs to tell those non-blondes back at the mansion that they are not Ross and Rachel! When they went on about the letter it was funny, this is just ̶s̶t̶e̶a̶l̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶L̶o̶c̶k̶y̶’̶s̶ ̶s̶c̶r̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶ embarrassing. But mummy, good news. They all made up. As ̶p̶r̶i̶m̶a̶r̶y̶ ̶s̶c̶h̶o̶o̶l̶ girls do, they’re enemies one day and best friends the next.
Later on, that dancing blonde from abseiling came over to the Locky Lair and just when I thought Locky was going to get LUCKY, ol' Prisonbreak broke down the door. She’d escaped the dungeon again and forced us to cook her dinner! Seems the girls had eaten all the YOUFOODZ back at the Ishka mansion. Not only was she angry, she was HANGRY. Lucky the cocktail bell rang and we all had to scoot.
"Try and put me in the dungeon again, I dare you." Source: Channel 10
But mummy, Prisonbreak was still HANGRY so guess what happened next?! Uh actually...mummy, Oshi said I gotta spread the ̶l̶i̶m̶i̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶t̶e̶n̶t̶ drama over two nights, so I’m going to leave you just like the day started...with a CLIFFHANGER! Hahaha. Classic Lock.
More Bach? Read the other recaps here.
For even more lols, follow our Instagram.
And if you're not into thinking, our weekly podcast is 100% for you.