• Jessica Taylor Yates and Nicole Sherwin

Bachelor Recap E05: Locky's Letters Home

Our connection is stronger than the clip on my bungie buckle.

Is Prisonbreak showing what she'll do to me if I send her home?

Dear Mummy,

Well, a̶f̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶l̶o̶c̶k̶d̶o̶w̶n̶ ̶m̶e̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶n̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶t̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶a̶r̶t̶y̶ ̶g̶o̶e̶s̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶ ̶f̶e̶w̶ ̶n̶i̶g̶h̶t̶s̶,̶ the party continues! So not sure if you remember, but the non-blondes were all over me which is strange because I thought their special day passes would have expired by now?

I'm not sure all these future MRS. LOCKY ADVENTURES are quite right mummy. I thought to get contestants, as per show protocol, Oshi backed up the NISSAN DUKE at Bondi Icebergs and yelled out, ‘Who wants followers?!’ and all these chicks got in. But now it seems that none of them had a proper screening beforehand cos bitches be CRAY and mummy, I'm scared. They also don't seem to have been briefed on the premise of the show which is: many girls date guy at once, which is ME, LOCKY!

Ol’ Prisonbreak told the other girls to suck a dick last week, so I just need to s̶t̶a̶y̶ ̶c̶a̶l̶m̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶h̶o̶p̶e̶ ̶i̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶m̶i̶n̶e̶ protect m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶ the girls. It’s weird she is upset that I am talking to the girls but also the whole show is about me talking to all the girls?

Mummy I feel like I need genuine protection.

Anyway mummy, apparently all the girls hate Juliette w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶j̶u̶g̶s̶ ̶ cos she was sick and chatted to me and apparently that makes her public enemy #1? It is confusing but I think it gave the girls something to talk to about besides me and NO THIS IS MY SHOW BACK TO LOCKY. Prisonbreak seemed to be really mad about it, cos today was ‘her day’ but didn’t realise it was her birthday or that she got her own program? I'm confused does she think this is MAFS? I told the producers to stand by the silverware drawer on high alert just in case.

At one point, I was chatting with t̶h̶e̶ ̶b̶o̶s̶s̶y̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶c̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶k̶e̶e̶p̶ Areeba, who was full taking my spotlight, but then I heard Prisonbreak crying s̶o̶ ̶ I̶ ̶d̶a̶r̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶s̶a̶f̶e̶t̶y̶ ̶b̶u̶n̶k̶e̶r̶ so I went to cosy up to her again, cos Locky like tatts. Areeba got all mad and was like, 'Maybe he just likes blonde girls' which was a relief mummy, because for a while there I was nervous she thought she might have a chance with me. I tried to ease ol' Prisonbreak from swinging the nunchucks, she's a bit cooked but it did end up saving me from talking to a non-blonde, so was helpful in the end.

Saved from sitting on the left.

Things got a bit weird at this party mummy. The penguin rapped, but not convinced rap is big in Bali? Also not really the climate for penguins. Maybe she can be Bachelorette? Then ol’ Louis Vucon was stirring the pot so hard that Juliette almost threw a drink on her. Her dress wasn’t see-through though, so no point really. Also, C̶a̶d̶y̶ ̶H̶e̶r̶o̶n̶ Kaitlyn intruder seems to have been adopted by T̶h̶e̶ ̶P̶l̶a̶s̶t̶i̶c̶s̶ Areeba's gang, which is confusing. I think it’s cos the blondes in the other crew informed her that their quota had been filled.

You can't sit with us! Also, Locky likey...

Prisonbreak has attempting to break in (see what I did there?!) to the s̶l̶i̶g̶h̶t̶l̶y̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶l̶e̶ other girl gang, but I think they're just letting her sit there cos they're scared. Anyway mummy, I decided to shake things up and send two Clares packing cos NO CLARES HAHAHA

No Clares.

Nah, I sent home the token ranga cos s̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶d̶r̶a̶m̶a̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶g̶o̶ ̶h̶o̶m̶e̶ a̶f̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶g̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶b̶a̶n̶n̶e̶d̶ ̶f̶r̶o̶m̶ ̶d̶r̶i̶n̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ e̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶L̶I̶T̶ I'm not really into minorities sorry but honesty best policy.

Anyway, the next day, ol' Prisonbreak was still harping on about Juliette deceiving her, and mummy I think Roxi hears voices cos nothing even happened and nobody ever said anything plsu she has a rose? Also, she was sober when she said this, so I am genuinely alarmed. Honestly as ol' Louis Vucon said, there was beef between them, like, more than 500g of beef from YOUFOODZ HEALTHY EATING MADE EASY.

Classic subtle Lock.

I'm also growing concerned for m̶y̶ ̶p̶u̶r̶e̶l̶y̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶t̶o̶n̶i̶c̶ ̶m̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶Juliette’s welfare. It's time to learn some self-defence.

I decided to take a blonde fencing, so I could a) learn how to protect myself from Prisonbreak if needed and b) poke the blonde with my sword. Hehe! This blonde, Irena, just has a spell over me mummy and you know much I love magic j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶B̶r̶o̶o̶k̶e̶,̶ ̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶ ̶m̶e̶,̶ ̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶’̶t̶!̶ Everything with Irena is simple. Like me, Lock. Locky like simple. Our connection is stronger than the clip on my bungie buckle cos LOCKY LIKE OUTDOOR. I got her to wear a tight white suit to get a better indication of the bod and hopefully let her touch my sword.

I was a gentleman and let her win cos BOIZ BOIZ BOIZ SPORTZ SPORTZ SPORTZ.

She was good, as long as she doesn't bring the glasses and ponytail that she thinks are okay at the Ishka Mansion, cos they will fall off when we go banana boating in Nusa Dua.

I specifically said no four-eyes in my contract.

Then we had a date at a tree c̶o̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶ ̶b̶u̶d̶g̶e̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶y̶e̶a̶r̶. I gave her my sword and hoped she'd put her hands on it HAHA. It turned into a mild s̶t̶r̶a̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶d̶v̶d̶ ̶p̶o̶r̶n̶o̶ ̶v̶i̶b̶e̶ non-PG13 event, but UGH then she started talking about her family and parents getting married after 10 days which gave me Stage 5 clinger vibes and tbh mummy, made me nerv. Nexxttt. Also, apparently there is a girl called Maddy here who was talking a lot not sure how she got on the compound? But don't worry, I'll save the girls tomorrow. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Love ya,


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'The Bachelor AU' images sourced from Channel 10

'Wedding Crashers' GIF sourced from GiPHY

'The Simpsons' image sourced from Disney

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