Bachelor Recap E07: Locky's Letters Home
I'll show you a LOCKdown alright.
Mmm. Locky like outdoor. Source: @thewashonline
Tonight, five birds are going zoom zoom HOME in the Nissan JUKE. Zoom is the theme today mummy, and I’m not talking about me on the quad bikes round Kuta!
Today, Oshi came and told me there's a health thingy going on and mummy my first thought was you, I just wanted to come home a̶n̶d̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶y̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶f̶i̶r̶e̶t̶r̶u̶c̶k̶. He said all c̶h̶a̶l̶l̶e̶n̶g̶e̶s̶ ̶group dates have to be on the compound, just like that cult in Big Love. It’s a LOCK…DOWN. HAHAHA mummy get it? No-one comes in no one goes out of LOCKYLAND. Cos Locky like locking down bishes.
So, instead of heading out on my usual amazing group dates like making chicks fence or play football in the rain, they brought in a̶ ̶w̶o̶m̶a̶n̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶d̶e̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶r̶o̶u̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶l̶o̶c̶a̶l̶ ̶R̶S̶L̶ ̶w̶h̶o̶ ̶c̶l̶a̶i̶m̶e̶d̶ ̶s̶h̶e̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶d̶ ̶m̶i̶n̶d̶s̶ a real-life psychic! I invited the BFFs m̶y̶ ̶s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶v̶e̶s̶ Irena and Bella, but mummy Irena AGAIN with the four-eyes and I thought I said last time they STAY AT THE COMPOUND. Locky no likey.
What's this shit? Source: Channel 10
Now, I didn’t want my LOCKED IN (classic!) ladies back at the compound to feel left out. No mummy, I didn’t invite them, don’t be silly! I let them watch my date with all the OTHER women on a big screen tv!
On the date. the c̶r̶a̶z̶y̶ ̶l̶a̶d̶y̶ psychic said she can feel ghosts touch her, and I thought that’s so funny I wonder if every girl I’ve felt up this ep can feel me touch them, so SAME! Then the producers let t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶w̶o̶m̶a̶n̶ ̶w̶h̶o̶ ̶m̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶O̶s̶h̶i̶’̶s̶ ̶m̶u̶m̶ ̶o̶r̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶the psychic go on and on about cats and puzzles for a bit which was well dull, so a few strangers like Bel 2.0 and Izzy were given a line, cos we needed to fill air time after the nothingness that was the first 20 mins of this date. Bel 2 is a mystery to me mummy - and also everyone who has ever watched the program.
Then thep̶e̶r̶s̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶y̶ ̶f̶o̶u̶n̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶B̶y̶r̶o̶n̶ ̶B̶a̶y̶ ̶b̶o̶u̶t̶i̶q̶u̶e̶ ̶s̶e̶l̶l̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶b̶o̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶d̶r̶e̶a̶m̶ ̶c̶a̶t̶c̶h̶e̶r̶s̶ psychic lady guessed that one of the girls had a grandpa that once wore slippers and WHOA WHAT’S NEXT WILL SHE FIND OUT I HAVE GREAT GRANDPARENTS WHO ARE DECEASED? MIND = BLOWN. That said, she did get one thing right- she said that ol’ R̶o̶x̶i̶ Prisonbreak would be hard work and mummy, I need to make a mental note to get this psychic a bodyguard...although I suppose she will just ‘know’ that Prisonbreak is coming for her. That said, I know she cray, but mummy, I still just want to get Roxi’s ROX off (see what I did there? NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE). So, after feeling up precisely 75% of the compound, I roared around on my motorbike to LOCKYLAND where the bishes were just sitting round, thinking about me. Classic!
I whirled around on the old bike with Prisonbreak for a while, I chose her largely because she happened to already be wearing a leather jacket. The thing is mummy, you just never know what’s gonna happen with her. C̶r̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶d̶a̶y̶,̶ ̶g̶l̶a̶s̶s̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶ ̶b̶i̶t̶c̶h̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶n̶e̶x̶t̶. I was a little nerv when she came to my private compound that she was gonna commit the floorplan to memory, so we quickly hopped on the Ishka couch with the free fake plants from The Reject Shop for a chatty chat-chat. No cheese on this date though, because a̶s̶ ̶p̶e̶r̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶p̶a̶r̶o̶l̶e̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶d̶i̶t̶i̶o̶n̶s̶, Prisonbreak is not allowed to be around knives - didn’t stop me from a sneaky pash though!
Classic Lock. Source: Channel 10
She did say that sometimes she could "be a little jealous…” which later I found out mummy was basically the understatement of the decade. It is confusing, cos Prisonbreak is very rootable and I wanted to do what she asked and bend her over like a pretzel…but is she MRS LOCKY ADVENTURE material?
Only one woman can truly unLOCK the keys to this treasure chest. Source: Daily Mail UK
That night, we had another cocktail party. It had been two hours since I had seen t̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶n̶n̶e̶r̶ Bella, so obv we had sneaky pash-o-rama.
Mummy. Prisonbreak did NOT like that.
Run Bella run! Hide yo wife! Hide yo kids! Source: news.com.au
JEEZ! She pulled me away again, but like, that meant less time to pash everyone else. Locky no likey! She was going ON and ON about how she is 'sick of the other girls taking her limelight'. I had to lay the law with her, mummy. She was going on about how ‘tonight was meant to be her night’ but it’s THE BACHELOR not THE BACHELORETTE! My show. MINE! Then she said I needed to let her ‘have her moment’ and got well salty at me for kissing Bella and WOW mummy not sure anyone else thinks this but...she might be unhinged?
Shattered GLASS, amiright? Source: NBC
Honestly, so much stomping around and crying til she gets her way, she must’ve gotten away with murder as a child. Wait. I’m not saying she murdered anyone. But I'm also not saying she didn’t...not?
Luckily, it was time to clear out the deadwood by which I mean, a lot of brunettes: It was the boot from Lockyland for Marg, Laura, Areeba, Charlie and Gemma. Yes, five was a lot. But also, too many names to remember, and Laura didn't even like Legian or the bonza suit I got made at the Discovery Mall in Kuta!
Suddenly though Mummy, D̶a̶d̶d̶y̶ ̶B̶r̶e̶t̶t̶ ̶S̶u̶t̶t̶o̶n̶ Oshi delivered the news about COVID-19 and said we have to stop production. I broke down. This is LOCKY'S TIME TO SHINE. I hate the pandemic mummy I hate it!!! Why did this have to happen during MY season? So many thoughts were going through my head.
What about Locky’s air time?
What about my visit to The Project?
And...omg...did he say...borders are closed? Surely...no...it couldn’t be…
AM I BANNED FROM BALI???
Omg mummy – what will I do?! I guess…with OG Bach Tim ‘Pierce’ Robards heading back to Sydney for his baby, the token Bachelor role on Neighbours is available...if I can’t get back to Kuta, Locky want. Think of the air time, mummy. But Roxi’s ability to cry on cue might threaten that. I must eliminate her. Speaking of Roxi…I started thinking about all my girlfriends. Oh no – they’re all gonna go home, realise they got 1000s of followers and start sexing guys who slide into their DMS.
Mummy, I’m worried. What do you think about me starting an OnlyFans instead?
Love ya, Lock