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  • Writer's pictureJessica Taylor Yates and Nicole Sherwin

Bachelor Recap E09: Locky's Letters Home

Time to pull out the Bitch Magnet Blue.

Source: Channel 10

Dear Mummy,

Now, I know you said I can come out of the basement and just tell you all this in person, but LOCKY has FEELINGS and he needs to write these down to EXPRESS HIMSELF. Also, can I please have an orange juice box?

Anyway. I’m still dating my harem of girlfriends, and today I met THEIR mummies with their dowry offerings. I thought about bringing you out of the Good Room to meet them, but it wasn’t worth taking you away from the chardonnay, honesty mummy. Their dowry offerings were rubbish. They had tighter purse strings than Channel 10.

Where my 10 camels at? This is bullshit. Source:

Of course, I had to meet t̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶n̶n̶e̶r̶ Bella’s mummy, just to see how m̶y̶ ̶w̶i̶f̶e̶ she’s gonna look in 20 years- Lock gotta make sure it doesn’t all fall apart after I get my boy from her like the psychic said! Luckily, Mumma Bella keeps it tight, so that’s a huge tick. Locky like.

I also met R̶o̶x̶i̶ Prisonbreak’s mummy, just to get an idea of when it all fell apart, and maybe if she could tell me which penitentiary she escaped from in that orange outfit.

Lockdown, or house arrest? Source:

She said she doesn’t know if what you see is what you get, but mummy I feel like my nudes couldn’t have been any clearer?

Bow chick a wow-wow. Source: Channel 10, Daily Mail

R̶o̶x̶i̶ Prisonbreak’s mummy also told me that if I upset her daughter, then Ronda might come out, and now I am confused, because I feel that I have never actually met Roxi, just Ronda.

You're telling me she isn't like this 24/7? Source: GiPHY

Wait mummy.

Some brought their daddies, and I’m the only DADDY around here! Parents normally love them a bit of Lockdog, but r̶a̶n̶d̶o̶m̶ ̶b̶l̶o̶n̶d̶e̶ ̶4̶ Stephie's dad didn’t look too happy. It was hard with Nic’s sister, cos she was quite a snack as well and maybe she wants to consider joining the harem?

It's not incest if we all agree, yeah? Source: The Daily Beast

To be honest Mummy, I think the producers thought this would provide drama but it was dry.

Dry like toast family. Source: IFC Films

The main drama came from m̶y̶ ̶t̶w̶o̶ ̶f̶a̶v̶o̶u̶r̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶v̶e̶s̶ Irena and Bella, who were fighting over who is my favourite. Do you think the producers would accept a throuple or nah?

Oh, I've got notes. Source: GiPHY

Suddenly Mummy, J̶o̶n̶a̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ Oshi appeared and told me I’m going on a date with a new girlfriend I’ve never met, and CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! The old and boring girlfriends from two minutes ago didn’t like this though.

If you're from Africa, why are you white? Source: GiPHY

Oh wait, mummy. I'm not actually allowed out, so tell your man friend to cancel coming over with those DVDs. It’s just like a Zoom call with a stranger ( Chat Roulette?) and...GO.

Uhh... Source: GiPHY

Mummy it wasn’t so much a date cos there was no Mersey Valley, but I was confused- is this stranger just a blonde I already eliminated, or...wait? Isn’t this the chick Karl Stefanovic got hitched to?

Jasmine, is that you? Over Karl already? Source: Dreshare

It turns out Mummy that my new girlfriend J̶a̶s̶m̶i̶n̶e̶ Bec likes being outdoor and Mummy LOCKY LIKE OUTDOOR! this the dream girl I have been searching for my whole life? The old, boring girlfriends found out about our Zoom chat date and were upset that we c̶h̶a̶t̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶o̶n̶l̶i̶n̶e̶ ̶a̶w̶k̶w̶a̶r̶d̶l̶y̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶a̶ ̶b̶i̶t̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶n̶o̶ ̶f̶r̶e̶e̶b̶i̶e̶s̶ spent the day together on a romantic evening.

Date with new blonde - she got Mersey Valley and didn’t even eat it! Source: GiPHY

The only thing is that she told me she wants six kids and mummy I kept hoping you were gonna call me to run away BUT YOU DIDN’T. So I felt to finish the conversation stat I decided to give her a rose that I had a producer plant under a cushion. Better than her finding a dead flower there in like three weeks or something when she gets to the ‘Clean The House stage’ of Lockdown.

This is not ideal. Source: The Artist Union

Finally, it was the rose ceremony. Mummy, I was scared that R̶o̶x̶i̶ Prisonbreak was gonna go full Rhonda Rousey again, so I deflected by chatting to my 10 girlfriends and Juliette’s boobs.

Juliette getting ready for The Ivy now that restrictions aren’t easing. Source: GiPHY

Poor ol’ Jules looked a bit worse for wear, ol’ girl had a wine or 10 thinking about that one-nighter back in 2008 but I don’t care I’M SO MATURE I WOULD NEVER ELIMINATE SOMEONE BASED ON THEIR SEXUAL HISTORY AND RELIGIOUS CHOICES. Not for the next two ceremonies, anyway.

Anyway, Mummy, as per the course of Prisonbreak's day, like showering and brushing her teeth, she ended with her daily ritual of causing a scene at MY rose ceremony. It is a little bit boring and not at all LOCKY ADVENTURE.

Reminder: Still Locky’s show! Source: Channel 10

When my harem all stood up o̶n̶ ̶Z̶o̶o̶m̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶d̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶d̶u̶m̶p̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶i̶r̶ ̶l̶o̶u̶n̶g̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶n̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶a̶l̶ ̶t̶e̶l̶e̶v̶i̶s̶i̶o̶n̶,̶ I noticed that n̶e̶w̶ ̶b̶l̶o̶n̶d̶e̶ ̶7̶ ̶ Bec had some questionable Chinese decor, but it was too late to take my rose back. I had to think - who should become MRS LOCKY ADVENTURE? I mean, Roxie reckons she’s got an Indonesian passport already because of her mum. Is her mum Schapelle Corby?

I know what I saw. Source: Channel 10

At the end of the day, as lockdown was lifting, Nic wanted to get back to that cruise ship life - and cruise ships don’t sail to Bali.

Love ya,



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