Bachelor Recap E10: Locky's Letters Home
Bella and Irina fighting was good news. It confirmed they would both be great leading ladies in Locky's Real Housewives of Kuta
More candles than a teenagers seance? Source: Channel 10
As much as I enjoyed my lockdown stay in my childhood bedroom, I’m so happy to be back at The Ishka Mansion. Spooning Mr Ted was no comparison to ̶r̶e̶l̶i̶e̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶b̶l̶u̶e̶ ̶b̶a̶l̶l̶s̶ cuddling with ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶n̶n̶e̶r̶ Bella ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶s̶l̶i̶p̶p̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶k̶e̶y̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶b̶e̶a̶c̶h̶h̶o̶u̶s̶e̶. I’m so glad to see all my ̶s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶v̶e̶s̶ girlfriends in real FaceTime! The secret spy software Oshi popped on their ̶M̶a̶c̶B̶o̶o̶k̶s̶ ̶no name brand laptops was helpful in ensuring they didn’t go for secret iso walks around ‘The Tan’ with ̶e̶x̶ ̶B̶a̶c̶h̶e̶l̶o̶r̶e̶t̶t̶e̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶t̶e̶s̶t̶a̶n̶t̶s̶ random boys who slid into their DMs, but with our dial-up internet, I was really struggling to tell the blondes apart. Maybe I should have kept some more non-blondes around after all? LOL JOKES! But really mummy, ensuring all the ̶s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ w̶i̶v̶e̶s̶ harem are back locked up in The Ishka Mansion gives me great ̶c̶o̶n̶t̶r̶o̶l̶ comfort. We’re all safe, away from COVID and I’m back to being the only one around here spreading diseases.
Bella put on a show nearly as good as the original housewives. Source: GIPHY
Mummy, at the cocktail party my favourite s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶v̶e̶s̶ girlfriends Bella and Irina were fighting like Camille and Taylor in Season 2 of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Bella was mad at Irina for talking to me, their SHARED boyfriend? Locky CONFUSED. But mummy, really I think their fighting was good news, because it confirms they would both be great leading ladies in Locky’s Real Housewives of Kuta. I just need to convince both of them to go for my throuple proposal. Maybe they could be persuaded with some Mersey Valley and a VIP Cabana at Finns in Bali?
"What, so girls were allowed to cut bangs, but I wasn't allowed to re-pierce my ear?" Source: Channel 10
With the MMA circuit on hold during lockdown, ̶R̶o̶x̶i̶ Ronda’s had nowhere to channel her rage and she was ready to throw down with me. But I couldn’t fight with a girl ̶o̶n̶ ̶c̶a̶m̶e̶r̶a̶ because i̶m̶a̶g̶i̶n̶e̶ ̶h̶o̶w̶ ̶m̶a̶n̶y̶ ̶I̶n̶s̶t̶a̶g̶r̶a̶m̶ ̶f̶o̶l̶l̶o̶w̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶l̶o̶s̶e̶ I’m a gentleman. I had to stay calm, which was so hard mummy because she was really grating on me. Spending time alone with her was more painful than re-piercing my ear during lockdown. Speaking of grating, I was so hungry, there wasn’t a single servo sanga at the cocktail party, let alone a Bega cheese platter.
I told Oshi to throw Ronda in the dungeon after her bad behaviour but he said he couldn't because he had to stay 1.5 metres away.
"Yes, my plan was working." Source: Channel 10
So mummy, if we couldn’t punish her, I knew I had to get her to leave on her own terms. I didn’t want to live in fear any longer. She locked her sniper on a new target: non-blonde Juliette. And mummy, LOCKY HAD A PLAN. We got Juliette to poke R̶o̶x̶i̶ Ronda (from a 1.5m distance) until she erupted for the final time, gave us the finger and walked ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶a̶n̶g̶e̶r̶ ̶m̶a̶n̶a̶g̶e̶m̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶c̶l̶a̶s̶s̶e̶s̶.̶ LOCKY SO SMART.
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Source: Channel 10
The producers told me we needed to ̶g̶e̶t̶ ̶r̶a̶t̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶u̶p̶, pretend like there was a threat to Bella and Irina. Locky love a challenge, so CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. I took New Blonde 2.0 white water rafting because LOCKY LIKE ADVENTURE and also it was great product placement for Four Elements Adventure. New Blonde really has everything LOCKY likey: hot, blonde, AND outdoor…
I briefly thought about pitching the idea of a foursome to ̶m̶y̶ ̶f̶a̶v̶o̶u̶r̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶v̶e̶s̶, Irina and Bella, but I don’t even think an unlimited ride pass to Waterbom Park would convince them to go for that.
Until next time.
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