Bachelor Recap E12: Locky's Letters Home
"It's becoming clear Bella is an only child."
Decor by Salvo's. Source: Channel 10
Last night was tough. I had to cull three ̶ ̶s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶v̶e̶s̶ potential spawn bearers. It’s not fair mummy, I want to keep them all! More ladies=more babies. But Oshi said I can only keep one ̶o̶f̶f̶i̶c̶i̶a̶l̶l̶y̶. So it’s time to start thinking and making some tough decisions. That will be a challenge for Locky, but LOCKY LOVES A CHALLENGE.
SPONSORED BY STARBUCKS. You'd never know but. Source: Channel 10
Mummy, I could not possibly eat one more servo sanga. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I locked Oshi in the dungeon, stole his corporate credit card and popped down to Coles for some groceries. My s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶v̶e̶s̶ harem were so grateful to finally eat something besides YOUFOODZ. LOCKY ̶S̶t̶a̶r̶b̶u̶c̶k̶s̶ ̶knows how to treat the ladiezzz.
Oshi broke free just as we finished up brunch. ̶T̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶ I needed a way to cull a few more of the ̶s̶e̶a̶t̶ ̶f̶i̶l̶l̶e̶r̶s̶ girlfriends before hometown visits. Oshi said Channel 10 can only afford V-Line train tickets for four ̶s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶v̶e̶s̶ girlfriends, so T̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶ I came up with the baller idea of having the girls write a ̶j̶o̶b̶ ̶a̶p̶p̶l̶i̶c̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ toast. Then mummy, I ̶i̶n̶t̶e̶r̶v̶i̶e̶w̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶m̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶j̶o̶b̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶n̶u̶m̶b̶e̶r̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶f̶e̶ had them give me my toast. It was so fun mummy, have all the sister wives beg to ̶g̶e̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶b̶l̶u̶e̶ ̶t̶i̶c̶k̶ be MRS LOCKKY ADVENTURE.
"Dear Locky...I feel my biggest strength is drama, which is why I would make me an excellent lead in Real Housewives of Kuta." Source: Channel 10
Mummy, I’m a bit confused to be honest, more than usual. I’ve always seen a future with Bella. There’s something about her big brown eyes that gets ̶m̶y̶ ̶1̶2̶-̶i̶n̶c̶h̶ ̶p̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶h̶a̶r̶d̶ me. Maybe it’s Illuminati mind control?
Locky confused. Source: Channel 10
But after last night’s tanty, I was worried. Mummy, it’s becoming clear Bella is an only child. And if she’s only one child, how can she make me two twin childs?! But then I thought, maybe the it was the spirit of Ronda talking last night, so I ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶ decided to give Bella/Ronda a secret CHALLENGE by taking her plate smashing to see if she released her fury. (Hehehe Locky so sneaky).
"So the plate represents us?" Source: Channel 10
And mummy, Bella loved the plate smashing because she’s Greek! Devo we didn’t get any souvas, but the Plate Master called the plate this thing called a ‘metaphor.’ Apparently the plate was us? I thought it was silly at first mummy. I mean, I am rock hard and people have definitely eaten off me, but I’m not as small as a plate! But then he said the plate was me and Bella. We broke, but then it just made us stronger when we put it back together. WE ARE THE PLATE MUMMY. DO YOU GET IT?! THE PLATE IS US?
Bella told me she journals, which is great mummy. Because while I’m off adventuring in the wet season, Bella will need something to do while she’s left alone in the Kuta Villa. T̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶ I really wanted to show that things are getting serious. So ̶th̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶m̶a̶d̶e̶ ̶s̶u̶r̶e̶ Bella said she’s falling in LUV with me and she is my shmoopy and I was like no YOU’RE SHMOOPY and she was like no YOU’RE SHMOOPY and... ̶I̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶e̶r̶e̶c̶t̶.̶ ̶
Back at the mansion, I threw a dog a bone. Let’s be honest ̶S̶o̶p̶h̶i̶e̶ ̶M̶o̶n̶k̶ Kaitlyn isn’t ̶g̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶1̶2̶-̶i̶n̶c̶h̶ ̶p̶e̶e̶n̶ riding off into the sunset with me on the back of my quad bike, but she’s going to be great at selling teeth whitening kits on the 'gram, so I made sure Oshi put her front and centre of the MAGNUM PRODUCT PLACEMENT.
For 10% off, enter code KAITLYN10 at the checkout! Source: Channel 10
At the cocktail party, there was more tension than in my bungee rope. Nurse Irena was falling apart like a Cadbury Flake. I know I was a bad boy, I should have snuggled up on the couch with her and some butter chicken, but Bella was using her big brown eyes Illuminati mind control to draw me to her. Plus mummy, I’m so sick of pretending to like the other blondes, I just wanted to get some. So I called Bella over for a cheeky pash.
Practising for the wet season. Source: Channel 10
During the Rose Ceremony, S̶o̶p̶h̶i̶e̶ ̶M̶o̶n̶k̶ Kaitlyn was already scrolling the 50% off sale on Pretty Little Things for the bikinis she's going to wear on Bachelor in Paradise, but the mansion only has dial up internet. So I released her from the harem so she could make her purchases.
Until next time.
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