Bachelor Recap E13: Locky's Letters Home
They asked me about feminism and NOT FAIR I did not accept this challenge!
Well, I'm on the home stretch now, but Oshi said cos of 'cov-id', my s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶v̶e̶s̶ girlfriends and their families come to ME cos this is LOCKY'S SHOW. There’s social distancing and shit, but like, whatever. Locky good at outdoor and Locky good at family.
First up, Issy. Mummy, that laugh is so infectious:
Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree...Source: GiPHY
On our date, she gave me yoga pants and took my shirt off so that STRENGTH AND HONOUR was released. Mummy, it had been some time since I had taken my shirt off (like that time all the girls sexually assaulted me) and as you know, I made Channel 10 put it in my contract that I need to show my tatt 1x per ep, and shirt off 3x per season. Anyway. We did yoga.
Issy showed me d̶̶̶o̶̶̶g̶g̶̶̶y̶̶̶ ̶s̶t̶y̶l̶e̶ downward dog. Source: News.com.au
It was a bit awkward when she found a hickey f̶r̶o̶m̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶3̶7̶3̶ ̶g̶i̶r̶l̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶w̶ ̶I̶’̶v̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶h̶o̶o̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶u̶p̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶, but luckily she believed it was a third nipple. She also believed I’ve never done yoga. LOCKY LIVE IN KUTA. My middle name is Bikram! But she grew up in a commune so maybe she is strange and mummy is that a cult with crystals and dreamcatchers cos if so CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! Locky can cult. I was excited about her hippie fam.
But then mummy, there were three old ladies and this was the most women I’ve been around who don’t want a piece of me since those l̶e̶s̶b̶i̶a̶n̶s̶ contestants who walked off the show.
Not one of them gave Locky a puff on the old dragon with a free amber healing stone!
Issy’s mum was judging me for dating 25 other girls (officially) as well as her daughter. It wasn't going the way I thought, and mummy why don’t these hippies love me as much as the cult psychic lady? She asked me what my values are in life and mummy, had she not seen my chest plate? It’s in size 2535 font! LOCKY VALUES STRENGTH AND HONOUR. But apparently I can only take my shirt off 1x per ep, so I couldn’t show them. Locky a shower, not a talker.
Could I be any clearer?! Source: Channel 10
Then mummy, they asked me about feminism and NOT FAIR I did not accept this challenge! Like obviously I like females, I am dating 20!! Then they were asking if I want her to do the housework and Locky confused cos the plan is to live in a tent not a house in Bali? Like obviously Issy can do whatever she wants when she’s working for me with our twin BOIZ in Bali on her lunch break, I’m not a monster! It got weird when they asked for a dose of Little Lock though. Like, I was nervous they were about to give me a jar and ask for my sperm on the way out. Are they gonna do some hippie voodoo on little Locky?!
Locky no likey. Source: GiPHY
I was outta there faster than a sweating club promoter at Kuta airport. I met up with my next girlfriend, Irena. I visited her W̶A̶P̶ favourite waterfall and yes cos LOCKY LIKE OUTDOOR. Luckily, I didn’t have to meet her scary brother because Oshi told us ‘cov-id’ got worse in Melbourne. Just be tough like me Melbs harden up like LOCKY ADVENUTRE!
Omg. WAIT. What about Bali?
Don’t go there Lock, stay strong…
So instead, we had a Zoom sesh and mummy, my palms were sweaty mums spaghetti. You know I miss your spaghetti. Anyway UGH, the brother came on and mummy I specifically said no other males this is LOCKY’S SHOW. Then Mummy, he said he has a pitchfork. This guy’s worse than Ronda! Also, I was confused because Issy has a feminist family but then I thought Irena was feminist but her brother wants to make her dating decisions for her? It was...a lot. Anyway, I'd had enough of touching Irena’s butt, and onto Bec’s! I came to see her in her bathers. Locky like. Also, dat ass!
Smack that. Source: GiPHY
We tried paddle boarding, but apparently they aren’t made for soft porn sketches and who knew? I wasn’t allowed to shake hands or hug her parents because of cov-id, I can only touch every single girl in multiple states in the middle of a pandemic for some reason. Guess it’s not just legs I’m spreading!
No touching! Source: GiPHY
Bec’s brother looked like the type of guy that would own a fedora mummy, and he brought up Survivor and CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Oh wait - he said bad things about it. I thought Jonathan was about to pick me up to build a raft and float away. Gutted. Overall I killed it, if only C̶a̶r̶o̶l̶e̶ ̶B̶a̶s̶k̶i̶n̶ Bec’s mummy was 30 years younger! The only thing is that Bec is only 24, so she maybe has only been to Bali MAX five times, is she ready for THE ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY to become Mrs Locky Adventure?
Finally, mummy, it was time for a visit with my l̶i̶t̶t̶l̶e̶ ̶s̶h̶i̶t̶ mi amor, Bella. I was a bit disappointed she cooked me a souva, because there wasn’t much room to look and feel her up in a bikini. Plus, I had to meet her family - ROUGH, amiright? I had to sit with her mummy, (we go way back from that two-minute Zoom), her daddy and her 12-year-old stepdaddy! Mummy, I didn't have fun. Bella’s dad thought he was from Meet the Fockers, interrogating me like the policeman that time I got caught breaking into a building for BASE jumping. I was triggered. Bella just wanted to cuddle and talk. There was such a long awkward silence, and mummy, I really needed to fart. Then she got all teary and I told that psychic before to get Ronda’s ghost OUTTA here!!
Ronda lives on... Source: GiPHY
Overall, family visits were hard, but I think those acting classes Tim ‘Pierce’ Robards gave me really paid off. I̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶f̶a̶m̶i̶l̶i̶e̶s̶ ̶b̶e̶l̶i̶e̶v̶e̶d̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶s̶o̶o̶n̶-̶t̶o̶-̶b̶e̶-̶s̶p̶o̶n̶s̶o̶r̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶r̶i̶p̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶A̶n̶t̶a̶r̶c̶t̶i̶c̶a̶.̶ ̶
In the end, I got the girls in their best Dancing with the Stars gear, but overall, Issy’s family are scary man-haters (Locky knows Feminism 101) and I’m nervous Bec may be underage. Time to go.
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