• Nicole Sherwin

Completely Reasonable, Totally Petty Dealbreakers

You land on the tarmac and they stand up and start to clap. What have you done? You must annul this marriage immediately.

Source: NBC


Imagine you’re on your honeymoon to Europe with your new SO. It’s your first flight together. Your Valium wears off just as you land. You look over and notice your partner has his bare feet and unkempt toenails rested on the seat in front of you. You rub your eyes thinking you must still be asleep, surely, it can’t be, but then the plane hits the tarmac and they start to clap. What have you done? You must obviously annul the marriage immediately.


This week we asked you in the Facebook group, Large Almond Latte, - What are your petty dealbreakers?’

And this list was long because well, people are fucking gross.


The Bants

"You look like trouble.." Source: GIPHY


To start, good banter is of primary importance. You could be a topless Zac Efron hand-feeding me McDonald's fries, but if the following words come out of your mouth, I’ll be feeding myself. As fan Lucy says, saying things like, "What kind of mischief are you up to?” or “You troublemaker!” Eww, it’s like something a dad would say to his 8-year-old daughter, not a girl you’re trying to pick up. Or the classic from fan Mia, “You’re not like other girls.” What does that even mean? Yuck, I’ve literally got goosebumps from cringing. Although, I don’t imagine the Zac Efron-types have this type of banter. I imagine these sayings coming from a guy in uniform, a trilby, an ill-fitting suit, (probably pinstripe) a goatee or gelled moustache, maybe even strong sideburns. All of which are dealbreakers on their own. As fan John says, seeing someone in an ill-fitting suit gives him a full-blown de-rection.


Fan Amy has this ultra cringe/lol-worthy story of some terrible bedroom banter. This guy was at her house and he’s going down on her. She’s loving life, then as she orgasms, he yells "YOU’RE MINE!" Naturally, she showed him the exit.


Please Don't Skip English Class


But let’s be honest. These occasions are getting rarer because people don’t meet IRL. It’s apps exclusive, so you know what’s a super important dealbreaker? GRAMMAR! Finish primary school. Fans Kathryn and Ash both have strong objections to people who don’t know the difference between ‘then and than’, ‘you’re and your,’ ‘their, there and they’re.’ Honestly, I feel like if you’re on the apps, you should download the Grammarly app and check your messages first. It could be the difference between WAP or no WAP.