• Nicole Sherwin

Completely Reasonable, Totally Petty Dealbreakers

You land on the tarmac and they stand up and start to clap. What have you done? You must annul this marriage immediately.

Source: NBC


Imagine you’re on your honeymoon to Europe with your new SO. It’s your first flight together. Your Valium wears off just as you land. You look over and notice your partner has his bare feet and unkempt toenails rested on the seat in front of you. You rub your eyes thinking you must still be asleep, surely, it can’t be, but then the plane hits the tarmac and they start to clap. What have you done? You must obviously annul the marriage immediately.


This week we asked you in the Facebook group, Large Almond Latte, - What are your petty dealbreakers?’

And this list was long because well, people are fucking gross.


The Bants

"You look like trouble.." Source: GIPHY


To start, good banter is of primary importance. You could be a topless Zac Efron hand-feeding me McDonald's fries, but if the following words come out of your mouth, I’ll be feeding myself. As fan Lucy says, saying things like, "What kind of mischief are you up to?” or “You troublemaker!” Eww, it’s like something a dad would say to his 8-year-old daughter, not a girl you’re trying to pick up. Or the classic from fan Mia, “You’re not like other girls.” What does that even mean? Yuck, I’ve literally got goosebumps from cringing. Although, I don’t imagine the Zac Efron-types have this type of banter. I imagine these sayings coming from a guy in uniform, a trilby, an ill-fitting suit, (probably pinstripe) a goatee or gelled moustache, maybe even strong sideburns. All of which are dealbreakers on their own. As fan John says, seeing someone in an ill-fitting suit gives him a full-blown de-rection.


Fan Amy has this ultra cringe/lol-worthy story of some terrible bedroom banter. This guy was at her house and he’s going down on her. She’s loving life, then as she orgasms, he yells "YOU’RE MINE!" Naturally, she showed him the exit.


Please Don't Skip English Class


But let’s be honest. These occasions are getting rarer because people don’t meet IRL. It’s apps exclusive, so you know what’s a super important dealbreaker? GRAMMAR! Finish primary school. Fans Kathryn and Ash both have strong objections to people who don’t know the difference between ‘then and than’, ‘you’re and your,’ ‘their, there and they’re.’ Honestly, I feel like if you’re on the apps, you should download the Grammarly app and check your messages first. It could be the difference between WAP or no WAP.



Your banter and grammar aren't the first line of defence in the dealbreaker stakes though. Your lewk is. And listen up, because these lewks will buy you a one-way ticket to solo town.


Dress To Impress

Sorry, not sorry. Source: Betoota Advocate


For guys, fan Grace says it's a hard no to 'thongs and jeans'. And again, I’m not picturing some thirst trap like Zac Efron with tight jeans and nice Havaianas, I’m picturing our trilby guy with baggy circa 2003 jeans, a skater belt and thick material thongs, but most importantly, I’m picturing long toenails and hairy toes, yuuuuck. But seriously, it’s either hot or cold, pick one and dress appropriately. Fan Molly added that ‘white jeans’ are a particularly hard ‘no.’ To me, they just scream I LOVE STEROIDS - on men. On women, I’m all about that white jean. Although, according to Urban Dictionary, women who wear white jeans apparently love anal.

Shoes are also strong dealbreaker territory because you can’t wear thongs, but you also cannot wear white, square tip leather shoes from Aldo says fans Dainah, Evie and every other girl ever.

NO RAGRATS

This causes me physical pain also. Source: Gettattoosideas.com


Tattoos are WAP-inducing if they’re done right. Like a good sleeve. So when people say they’re getting a new tattoo, I always tell them to hang the design up in your room for a month to make sure you really love it, but I don’t think a lot of people do this… or they just have really bad taste. And bad taste tattoos are a dealbreaker! Obvi tribal tattoos, that Southern Cross tattoo you got 15 years ago, ‘Strength and Honour’ across your chest, or any kind of inspirational script on your ribs. If you want to tell a story, write a book. A published author is much more appealing than a bad tattoo.

Nose Rings (regretfully)

I know I’m piling on dealbreakers for girls, but fan Alex has kindly submitted a dealbreaker for the guys: nose rings. This offends me greatly. I have an OG pass to the nose ring club. I’ve had mine since I was 15. It’s as permanent as my tattoos and whatever Alex, I fucking love it.

Once You Pop You Can't Stop


Once you've gotten through looks and banter without dealbreakers popping up, things can start looking up. You meet. They’ve completed Year 6 English, have a job in HR at David Jones (so they’ve got a sweet discount of acceptable clothing and don't look like they go General Admission to the races every year when they wear a suit, plus their friend is a tattoo artist at Bondi Ink so their sleeve is lickable). It’s all going swimmingly, but then, like our poor, unfortunate bride whose partner started clapping at the start, you start to notice some ‘quirks’ that makes your stomach drop through the floor in disgust. Picture this disastrous scenario. This new guy you’re dating has just spent their first night at your house (and thankfully didn’t ruin last night with any disturbing vocal conduct or smelly balls which will dry you up like the Sahara accord to fan Lucy). You wake up and say, “I’m going to go down the street to get some breakfast and coffees.” He replies, "I don’t do breakfast, can you just get me a Red Bull?"


Fuck. No.

Absolutely not. Source: GIPHY


Energy drinks in the morning, or really at any time, are a hard no says fan Stephanie. I don’t know why, but I also assume this person drinking Red Bull also wears skate shoes and has frosted tips. But you’re like, okay, positives are still outweighing this one negative, I’ll oblige. You come back with the breakfast, coffee and a Red Bull to see them sitting on your couch, in a t-shirt and socks, no undies, just smearing his dirty gooch all over your leather Fantastic Furniture couch. Shirts without pants, or cockshirting, is nobodies business, says Steph and Jess. You tense, but you’re like, it’s okay, and suggest you shower first to get his dirty balls off your expensive furniture. So, you have some incredible shower sex and you’re feeling good. You sit down to breakfast and the news is on TV, and he casually says, “Say what you want, but Trump makes some good points.” At which point you are high level stressed. So, you put some light viewing on, some Brooklyn 99, something everyone enjoys. He laughs at a joke and sticks out his tongue. Seriously, this is actually so much worse than it sounds, says fan Jade. You have to do it and look at yourself in the mirror to gauge the full impact of the limp-clit inducing practice. Calmly, you advise that this relationship will no longer be proceeding and show him the door. You then head back to your bedroom, pull out your Empress vibrator and gladly submit to be alone with it forever.


Thirsty for more? Listen to a new ep of the Large Almond Latte Pod, every Tuesday.


Everything you need for the conversations you have at brunch.

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