• Jessica Taylor Yates

Farmer Wants A Wife Premiere: Recap

You love your ex, have kids and live remotely? What's not to love?

Source: Channel 7


K, so full disclosure: I had never ever watched an ep of this before. But this lockdown, I've felt left out. I missed the Bachie in Paradise train (I live through Kat's Updates, but still), don't like Masterchef (why do I wanna watch you eat? Now I want to eat), MAFs (too mean) The Voice (too fake) or BB (just, no). I mean, I'm weirdly into regular Bach (after a hiatus getting over the trauma that was the Honey Badger's finale - just talking about it, I'm triggered) but my fam watches Farmer...I was left out, so gave it a go.


Guys. What the hell is this?

Wait...you WANT to live on a farm? Source: GiPHY


It's a bunch of chicks who have applied online to the farmers they like in the hope of becoming their wife. Like, what? At least on Bachelor it's obviously in the hope of making a career plugging mediocre vacuums on Instagram, not supplying mud for pigs to roll around in. Who wants to do this? Is this a horror movie? Don't they have jobs and family and friends at home? So many have hair extensions and heels...do they actually know where they're going? Do they think 'The Farm' is new slang for an urban retreat?!



Babe, this outfit is for the Women in Hollywood brunch. It is not consistent with picking up cow dung. Source: Channel 7.


Straight up, let's address the online controversy that is #Farmersowhite. I mean, yes. It's a bunch of white girls after Aus white farmers. But also...maybe the other girls were just clever af and don't want to be locked on a remote property with a white farmer 100s of kms from their homes? Also, two of the farmers came from ethnic origins, so we kinda have to count that. I mean, I was surprised to see an Italian farmer. I dug it. Pasta almost makes farm life sound bearable.


Almost.


#Farmersowhite aside, over furious texts, my mum and sister explained the premise to me - kinda Bachie on Steroids, minus the botox. Like, a bunch of girls rock up, have a chat with the farmer they applied with, he takes half of them back to his s̶e̶x̶ ̶d̶u̶n̶g̶e̶o̶n̶ farm, goes on some dates, and ends up choosing one to be his l̶a̶d̶y̶ ̶s̶l̶a̶v̶e̶ wife.


It's so gross and as my husband put it, 'This is so sexist and anti-feminist. You watching makes me love you 7% less', but then, he was wearing a Bingtang singlet and drinking coke out of a mug, so you know, same-same. I have to just assume that everyone knows what they're signing up for, and also, iso. Life's bleak. I'm watching this there is LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE TO DO STOP JUDGING ME I'M THE ONLY ARMCHAIR JUDGE TONIGHT.


So, we meet our five 'farm boiz' - Harry, who looks legit country; Nick, who I kinda think they're cheating with calling a farmer tbh - last time I checked a farmer hasn't lived in LA for 20 years, works on a winery and wears man jewellery; Farmer Neil, who is still 'close with his ex, has three kids and live on a remote sheep farm' - uh, swoon; and Farmer Sam, who I can't see taking home anyone but a nice Italian girl for his Italian mama. Also, he made a big bowl of pasta on his farm. Now we're talking!

Oh and Farmer Alex, who tbh I kind of forgot, but he's handsome:

Farmers Alex, Neil, Sam, Nick and Harry. Source: TVTonight


So, no point running through all the chicks they didn't take on (20 went home the first night! Brutal! Also, one cried. Babe it's okay you were saved from s̶e̶x̶ ̶s̶l̶a̶v̶e̶r̶y̶ the barn!) but some of our favs who made it through (what lucky lasses) include:


Virgin Mary

Well, at least with literally no distractions you'll both have time to get good at it? Source: Channel 7


K her name is Sarah, but think Alex is gonna be a bit nerv that the chick he picked for his Top Four is waiting til marriage before he gets to ride that train. Wonder how he is gonna get around this to try and not look sex-hungry by simply saying that there's 'just no chemistry'.



Cougar Hun

Ride it, my pony. Source: Channel 7


My fav of the night. Marnie may have been the Mother Hen age-wise, but if there was a Pool Boy, he better look out, cos pretty kitty's got claws. Hot Marnie came in swinging in a cowboy hat and boots (you will always get a tick from me for dressing on theme), was sexy and fun and we're all looking forward to the eventual tell-all in Woman's Day with Marnie in a leopard bikini where she professes that 'age is just a number'.



Standard Hot Babe

I must accept that I will never be able to wear pants like this. Source: Channel 7


Madison gives me Ali from Bachie vibes, but like, more normal. She got a lot of screen time which made me think she could be a potential winner. Quite hot, not sure Harry had been around this much of an 11 in his life. She did cry about finding love which was a tad awkward but did make me like her more. You go, Glen Coco.



Farm Girl

Can she be the farmer looking for a husband next season? Source: Channel 7


I like that this chick surprised me and what I think when I think 'farmer' cos I am judgemental and clueless with barn and hay life. Cute, sassy, and grew up on a farm, she'll have heaps of farm knowledge and farm chat (Note: I possess neither). Stay tuned for her in FHM's Hottest 100 sheering a sheep in a sponsored leotard this December.



The Boss Bitch

You kinda scare me tbh but you're fierce af. Source: Channel 7


Justine is one of Neil's harem and is a Take Charge Bad Bitch. I'm hoping this is in the good way, like 'Don't worry babe I'll hold your hair back as your vomit after a big night', not 'I'm telling HR that you took a blue pen', but right now it could go either way.


__


So, after they chose their women for their p̶o̶l̶y̶g̶a̶m̶o̶u̶s̶ fun challenge, next up: Each farmer chose one young c̶a̶p̶t̶i̶v̶e̶ lady to 'Head the Farm'.


Me after being asked to 'Head the Farm'. Source: GiPHY


Like, yuck. Look, I'll see if I am interested enough to stay invested by the time this crosses over with Bach. Both terrible, feminism-wise, but the other gives me more chat with people, and I'm selfish. We'll see if the Farm Cult makes it worth it. I mean...I do love cults.


Til next time.


Farmer Wants A Wife airs in Australia on The Seven Network.

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