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  • Nicole Sherwin

Film Review: Charlie's Angels (2019)

Kristen Stewart's punishment for cheating on Robert Pattinson.

Source: Zegal

It takes the over-confidence of Kanye interrupting Taylor at the 2009 VMA’s to remake a classic. Because with the odds against you, you’re telling the world ‘I can do it better.’ And the odds are most definitely against you, because the remake is never better. See: The Mummy, Men in Black, Ghostbusters, Dirty Dancing, Footloose, and Britney’s cover of ‘I Love Rock and Roll.’

So I didn’t run to the theatre to see this, obviously, but in Hollywood terms this movie is PROGRESSIVE. The three lead females Sabina (Kristen Stewart), Elena (Naomi Scott) and Jane (Ella Balinska) are all from different ethnic backgrounds. The film is also written and directed by a female, Elizabeth Banks, who is no stranger to the comedic genre as an actor. Which is definitely where she should stay, because if you told me this script was written by a 12-year-old, I’d believe you.

‘Girl Power’ is a message Banks really wanted to get across from the beginning, because we open with Kristen Stewart seducing, then beating up a misogynistic pig. True to the Charlie’s Angels brand, she does it in the most inappropriate clothing to fight in and looks hawwwt while doing it.

Why are you even in this movie? Source: Cosmopolitan

Elena (who is also Jasmine in Aladdin) is a lead programmer for a global tech corporation in Hamburg that only hire hot American and British people. Her 2IC, Noah Centineo, more commonly known as Peter Kavinsky from ‘To All the Boys...’ makes absolutely zero contribution to the movie, except to look good. Elena’s developed a smart speaker that doesn’t work properly, so basically ‘Google Home’ or ‘Alexa.’ But instead of it turning the TV on without asking it to five times a day like mine does, it kills people. She tries to tell her boss they probably need to sort that out before the release it to the public, but her boss is like, ‘It’s fine.’ So she needs to go above him, to the CEO, Sam Claffin of ‘Me Before You.’

My face trying to understand this plot. Source: Flicks

Instead of bailing him up at Friday night drinks, or popping into his office, she just happens to know about this super, top-secret spy agency that she’ll go to instead. She meets the head of it, Bosley, in a café in the middle of the day, but uh oh there’s an assassin waiting. The Angels are ready and an action scene ensues, which I obviously glaze over for.

The Angels and their Bosley, who is also played by Elizabeth Banks, realise that someone is selling the Google Home (with its murdery glitch) on the black-market as a weapon, ‘Hey Google, blow up,’ no not light up, blow up. Gaah now my cover’s blown!’ Lolz, as if you’d trust a smart speaker to do your murdering.

Farsssshion. Source: Elite Daily

The next hour is Banks really driving home that Charlie has unlimited budgets. Lamborghini’s, bunker wardrobes full of things that blow up and obviously clothes because they’re girls and more fight scenes, all over Europe. They really want the audience to know they travel, because money. But, know your audience. We’ve all done a Contiki in Europe. Istanbul in big letters over the screen isn’t impressive. We’ve been there.

The assassin, who FYI, must have been the only one available because he literally pops out in the middle of the day in front of people to see his whole face, keeps finding the Angels, so the Angels realise, there must be a mole among them. Uh ooooh.

The pinnacle of the movie. Source: GIzmodo

More fighting ensues and some innocent bystanders are murdered. They go to a party with lots more hot people, where there’s a choreographed dance scene. Seeing Kristen Stewart dance might be the highlight of the movie, no, it definitely is the highlight of the movie. After some mild twists and turns, they uncover the mole and obviously save the day.

While they might have screamed through the script ‘this is a feminist movie,’ if your eyes are open, which tbh, I wouldn’t blame you if you napped through this, there are so many aspects where it’s just not. I get Charlie’s Angels have to be supermodel hot, that’s their brand. But there are really no other females in the film. Elena’s seniors at work are all men, all of the Bosleys except Elizabeth Banks are men, all the bad guys are guys, all the security guards are men. Really, please try harder.

Hilarious. Source: Cinema Blend

I think this movie is also meant to be funny, but I would have been comfortable watching it in a concrete face mask because I didn’t flinch. The comedic relief falls in the shoulders of Kristen Stewart, whose previous characters have not been known for their gags or bright personalities. She’s an actor though so, it doesn’t mean she can’t play funny. But you can’t shine shit, and this script it shit. I assume Elizabeth Banks is good friends with Rob Pattinson and giving her this role was some latent form of punishment for destroying the greatest love story of all time.

This movie is like white bread. You definitely wouldn’t eat it on a regular day, but it’s pretty good if you’re hungover.



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