• Nicole Sherwin

Film Review: Charlie's Angels (2019)

Kristen Stewart's punishment for cheating on Robert Pattinson.

Source: Zegal

It takes the over-confidence of Kanye interrupting Taylor at the 2009 VMA’s to remake a classic. Because with the odds against you, you’re telling the world ‘I can do it better.’ And the odds are most definitely against you, because the remake is never better. See: The Mummy, Men in Black, Ghostbusters, Dirty Dancing, Footloose, and Britney’s cover of ‘I Love Rock and Roll.’

So I didn’t run to the theatre to see this, obviously, but in Hollywood terms this movie is PROGRESSIVE. The three lead females Sabina (Kristen Stewart), Elena (Naomi Scott) and Jane (Ella Balinska) are all from different ethnic backgrounds. The film is also written and directed by a female, Elizabeth Banks, who is no stranger to the comedic genre as an actor. Which is definitely where she should stay, because if you told me this script was written by a 12-year-old, I’d believe you.

‘Girl Power’ is a message Banks really wanted to get across from the beginning, because we open with Kristen Stewart seducing, then beating up a misogynistic pig. True to the Charlie’s Angels brand, she does it in the most inappropriate clothing to fight in and looks hawwwt while doing it.

Why are you even in this movie? Source: Cosmopolitan

Elena (who is also Jasmine in Aladdin) is a lead programmer for a global tech corporation in Hamburg that only hire hot American and British people. Her 2IC, Noah Centineo, more commonly known as Peter Kavinsky from ‘To All the Boys...’ makes absolutely zero contribution to the movie, except to look good. Elena’s developed a smart speaker that doesn’t work properly, so basically ‘Google Home’ or ‘Alexa.’ But instead of it turning the TV on without asking it to five times a day like mine does, it kills people. She tries to tell her boss they probably need to sort that out before the release it to the public, but her boss is like, ‘It’s fine.’ So she needs to go above him, to the CEO, Sam Claffin of ‘Me Before You.’

My face trying to understand this plot. Source: Flicks

Instead of bailing him up at Friday night drinks, or popping into his office, she just happens to know about this super, top-secret spy agency that she’ll go to instead. She meets the head of it, Bosley, in a café in the middle of the day, but uh oh there’s an assassin waiting. The Angels are ready and an action scene ensues, which I obviously glaze over for.