Bachelor Recap E01: Locky's Letters Home
I think I may have found t̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶n̶n̶e̶r̶ the Bing to my Tang.
By Jessica Taylor Yates and Nicole Sherwin
Well, all the girls are lining up out the door for me, just like you always said they would back when I was your little adventure boy! I mean, some pulled out cos they don’t wanna spend half the year in Kuta with me (maybe Brooke and Jordan have been spreading rumours about my pee pee), but you know what, mummy? This means I’m left with the ones who really want me for my b̶l̶u̶e̶ ̶i̶n̶s̶t̶a̶g̶r̶a̶m̶ ̶t̶i̶c̶k̶ heart.
Remember when I gotcha these on Mother's Day? #nvrforget Source: Locky Gilbert
Mummy, I was so nervous for the first c̶h̶a̶l̶l̶e̶n̶g̶e̶ meet and greet. Jumping off a cliff is one thing, but meeting 23 b̶a̶t̶s̶h̶i̶t̶ lovely ladies all desperate f̶o̶r̶ ̶a̶n̶ ̶i̶n̶v̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶T̶h̶e̶ ̶B̶i̶r̶d̶c̶a̶g̶e̶ to win my heart, that's hard work. They got me all dolled up in a three-piece, which was weird, like, where my loincloth at? The mansion is a beaut though mum. Channel 10 got a real bargain on the decor from a permanently closing down Ishka sale. I'll try and sneak ya some tea lights for the front porch. I'm sure they won't even notice. ;)
Mummy, I met loads of people. The first two birds, I couldn’t really tell apart. They were both young scorchers in red top and skirt combos who like spicy food. You know I don’t like spicy food mummy, ICK! YUCKY! You remember what I was like at that age, just like Miley Cyrus I could NOT be tamed. I thought young guns are meant to be spreading syphilis down Khao San Road, not looking to settle down with MR ADVENTURE. But they're only human I spose.
Now, I know you birds like talking about outfits, so how about the one who was dressed like an ACTUAL BIRD? Mummy this one was cool, she was in all these coloured feathers which reminds me of one of those parakeets I saw when I was ADVENTURING in the Amazon. Also, she’s a dancer, which means F̶̶̶A̶̶̶M̶̶̶E̶̶̶ ̶̶̶a̶̶̶n̶̶̶d̶̶̶ ̶̶̶a̶̶̶ ̶̶̶p̶̶̶o̶̶̶s̶̶̶s̶̶̶i̶̶̶b̶̶̶l̶̶̶e̶̶̶ ̶̶̶g̶̶̶i̶̶̶g̶̶̶ ̶̶̶o̶̶̶n̶̶̶ ̶̶̶D̶a̶̶̶n̶̶̶c̶̶̶i̶̶̶n̶̶̶g̶̶̶ ̶̶̶w̶̶̶i̶̶̶t̶̶̶h̶̶̶ ̶̶̶t̶̶̶h̶̶̶e̶̶̶ ̶̶̶S̶t̶̶̶a̶̶̶r̶̶̶s̶̶̶ ̶she’s fit.
There's So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With The Stars, Celebrities Dancing On Ice...the possibilities are endless! Source: ImgFLIP
Now, this other one mummy, Irena, WOW. I noticed straight away she was dressed just like me, so, HOT. Also, she let me play on her stethoscope thingy - you know when she asked where the heart was, I even got it right on the FIRST GUESS? This guy - not just a pretty face.
Then this casual penguin arrived, which was weird cos I didn’t think there were penguins in F̶i̶j̶i̶ Sydney, but like, she was so profound, you know, as she said, ‘I’m not just a penguin-I’m a person too’.
“I HAVE PENGUIN PANTS, PENGUIN STUFFED TOYS, PENGUIN PYJAMAS, IM BASICALLY HALF-PENGUIN!" Source: DC Comics
Next there was this chick who told me she was a boss about 287 times. Osh said Ch 10 have a strict ‘One token BIPOC per season’ or whatever on this experimental S̶u̶r̶v̶i̶v̶o̶r̶ season. To be honest - she was a bit BOSSY, mummy. I think she likes to be the boss, but I DO WHAT I WANT. I'M MY OWN BOSS MUMMY TELL HER!
More and more s̶e̶a̶t̶ ̶f̶i̶l̶l̶e̶r̶s̶ girls mummy. I won’t waste your time with 'em cos my hand is getting tired cos I hold PARACHUTES not PENS, but ooh, there were some doozies that’d be sure to take a bit of a tumble on the old quad bike round Kuta! There was a chick in some sort of sash device, this baller babe with Turkish drums and fireworks - FINALLY A FIRE CHALLENGE! A few in those crop top and long skirt things I remember some of the old gals wearing at the ‘03 formal back in the day.
But mummy, this chick Laura ‘Louis Vucon’ took me for a right slinging. She started asking how much I’d spend on her b'day pressie straight off the bat, just as she slammed the NISSAN DUKE door shut as her glitter f̶i̶s̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶n̶e̶t̶ dress almost got stuck in the door. Plus, she doesn’t like Bali! BINNED, just like ol' Brooke-o, immediately.
Call security. Source: Nicole Sherwin, Twitter
Finally mummy, the girl of my dreams walks in. I know it's early days, but I think I may have found t̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶n̶n̶e̶r̶ the Bing to my Tang. I was more lost in her eyes that I was in the Peruvian forest that time I took Ayahuasca.
Anyway. There were lots of pretty girls, mummy. It’s all just SO HARD I LOVE THEM ALL! I don’t WANT to break up with anyone - can you do it for me?! I spose when you meet them all you’ll tell me what to do. Phew!
Got in a few chats with the t̶r̶i̶b̶a̶l̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶n̶c̶i̶l̶ birds, although was a bit hard to handle my 23 girlfriends without you there to help manage it all, hey!
"Oi, one of youse mind if I bum a smoke?” Source: Network 10.
Shit got a little hekkers mummy, I’ll tell ya what, this one ranga Zoe-Clare. I mean, she started calling me daddy- she can’t do that, I have my own mummy and daddy!! - and look, to be fair to the ging, she brought me a beer which hey love, not gonna kick you out of bed for that one! So I opened it with my BARE TEETH cos I am BEAR GILBERT HAHAHA so do I get my own adventure show yet, or? But then J̶o̶n̶a̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ Osh told me behind the scenes that this ranga started rabbiting on about being a minority who was picked on for her red hair, but the actual token BIPOC of the season? I was MUCH confused. It went on and on, and to be honest mummy, like - this is MY show. MINE! She took up so much screen time, I was like, when does poor old Lock get a go back on the telly, hey?
Now, I know you said to think with my heart mummy, but I gave the bird Nicole (HAHA GET IT COS BIRD MEANS GIRL BUT ALSO SHE WAS DRESSED LIKE A BIRD) my sneaky triple threat rose, because she’s a dancer and boy oh boy is she gonna look good on that podium at Sky Garden in Kuta.
Love you. Source: @lockygilbert, Instagram
Ending the game was HARD, mummy, and also confusing, because I looked everywhere and for the life of me could not find where I was meant to put out their torches! I ditched a few of the chicks who I just couldn’t see riding scooters with me in Canggu. J̶o̶n̶a̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ Osh made me keep the ranga, because s̶h̶e̶'̶s̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶b̶r̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶s̶p̶e̶a̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶s̶t̶ ̶d̶i̶s̶c̶r̶i̶m̶i̶n̶a̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ everyone deserves a second chance. Apparently she ‘fell ill’ which we’ve all done after 3am at Crowns once or twice, but you know- she’s just got a cheeky crush hey - and I hear what they say about the crazy gingers in bed! Passionate. Wild. ADVENTUROUS, JUST LIKE ME, MR. ADVENTURE.
More Bach? Read the other recaps here