Like sharing a nice glass of Pinot with the good boy.
If you’re like the 2.5% of people who haven’t watched Love Is Blind on Netflix, basically this girl Jessica (no, not ours) is drinking wine and gives her dog a sip. When I saw Jessica feeding her dog wine, I really didn’t flinch. I mean, TBH it wasn’t the most questionable of her behaviours, was it? And I think I've probably done it. I mean, somehow I know my dog doesn’t like wine, so I must have tried it at some point. But I think some people might take issue with that, maybe call that animal abuse? Maybe they gave PETA a call? But I was like, I’ve done that; my dog just doesn’t like wine. But then I got thinking about the other behaviours I have because I have a dog. Some I feel are perfectly acceptable, others some people may consider normal adjacent.
So you can visualise, I have a little Pomchi, that’s a Pomeranian cross Chihuahua called Louis Lenny Batman. He’s a little weirdo and likes confined spaces. He spends most of his day inside my wardrobe, inside my shoes. Or if you’re a cat person, you can visualise that instead.
Our totally normal behaviours include:
Why spoon a hooman, when you can spoon a doggo?
Obviously like any regular person, I let my dog sleep in my bed. It’s the best, he always snuggles in my nooks. Sometimes he’s the big spoon, sometimes he’s the little spoon, but he always makes me feel loved and constant positive reassurance is really something I really need in my life to keep my anxiety at bay.
I wish you could talk to me
It’s super nice to cuddle your doggo if you don’t have a human. I do have a human and I’d still rather spoon my dog. Even when my dog doesn’t want to spoon me, sometimes I just force him anyway and hold him really tight and then I worry that if he could ever communicate with me he’d tell me how much he hates me. That occupies my thoughts more frequently than it should. Like, if you and your dog could understand each other for five minutes, what would you say to each other? I get so stressed Louis would honestly tell me that he doesn’t like me. He would bring up all these things I do privately with only him around, like sit in my undies eating ice cream and he would tell me I’m a sloth and I’m disgusting. It makes me so upset thinking about it. So every time it pops into my head I have to give Louis a treat, just to get him back on side. Sometimes Louis does sleep in his bed, but that’s usually because he’s just so tired from humping it he’s too tired to jump on the bed and he collapses in his. Also, it’s just cruel to make a dog sleep outside, you wouldn’t do that to a human, so why would you do it to a dog? If you have a dog and he doesn’t sleep in your bed, I think it’s clear the weird, some may even say neglectful, one is here.
Doggos are a social magnet
I feel like especially in cities, people are so stand-offish and ‘friendly’ is rarely a default setting towards strangers. And fair enough. I think if we weren't like this, there would be a few too many of us getting in white vans upon the promise of a lolly. I definitely would. You don’t know your neighbours, you don’t make small talk in public places, you don’t smile at strangers.
Unless you have a dog.
Then you do all of the above because you’ve got this unspoken camaraderie with other dog owners and dog lovers. Like someone sitting next to you at a café, obviously you wouldn’t just speak to them. But, put a dog at their feet and you’re best friends! And honestly, sometimes when I’m walking Louis and walk past someone else walking their doggo, getting a smile from a stranger makes me smile. And seriously, like try it even without a dog. Next time you walk past someone, smile. I promise it will make you feel better. But obviously choose wisely who you smile at, and it’s gotta be a wanky white person smile. You know, like the half-smile with your mouth closed still. Don’t be a creep about. It can’t be OTT. Or maybe don’t, I don’t be held responsible for you being punched in the face. Yeah, you just need a dog to be able to do it.
But anyway.
Sometimes, when you have such a cute dog as I do, the friendliness starts to get a bit bothersome. He legit gets like 3-4 compliments per outing. And sometimes I just want to eat my brunch and nurse my hangover without talking to anyone for like at least 36 hours. Honestly, this must be how celebrities feel when they just want to go out and get their grande iced latte.
You feed them like a baby, right?
Maybe one of the reasons he gets so much attention at brunch is because of the way ‘we’ behave. It’s not a case of he’s at my feet and gets my scraps, we share the meal. So, as I said, he likes confined spaces. If it’s cold he will sit on my lap, inside my jumper and when the food comes he’ll pop his head out the top of the collar so he can get some bacon. If it’s warm he’ll still sit on my lap while we eat. If we were at home, I’d let him eat off the fork, but when we’re out, I’m conscious that there are judgy non-dog types and hygienic people present, so I at least use my fingers so it doesn’t seem too weird. I also don’t let him lick the plate in public for the same reason. Def at home, but more for enviro reasons so I don’t have to rinse. But sometimes after that salty bacon, he gets really thirsty and there’s not always a dog bowl around. I definitely let him share my water from a glass. I know that’s probably on par with the fork eating, but he’s thirsty. I would call the RSPCA on myself if I didn’t give him water. I feel like a lot of you would probably think our brunch behaviour is bordering normal adjacent. But I think you all would agree that these next two behaviours definitely are.
Replace song lyrics with their names
I replace the lyrics of every song with Louis’ name, or just change the lyrics completely to be about Louis. Like, I’ll just pick a song from Spotify now...Game of Thrones, every Monday for like the whole two-minute intro ‘Looouis Louis Lenny, Louis Batman.’ Or if I don’t have a song in my head, I’ll just make a song completely. Maybe I’m just a creative person and that’s why I do that.
They're also your imaginary friend
I almost don’t want to say this one out loud and I definitely feel like my therapist would have some strong thoughts on it. But because I love my dog so much and I want to be around him all the time, when he’s not with me, I pretend that he is and I talk to him. Like I know he’s not actually there, but it’s just comforting to pretend that he is. Like if I’m on holidays I miss him so much it hurts, so when I leave the hotel room I’ll be like, ‘Come on Louis, let’s go!’, and pretend he’s coming sight-seeing with me. Or if I’m going to bed, I’ll be like ‘Up up!’ and lift up the covers for him to get in. I fully realise this behaviour is 100% cooked. And whatever, at least I’m not feeding my dog wine.
All in all, I feel I’m just a really well-adjusted person who loves their dog.
