Surefire ways to spot someone with an offshore bank account.
Source: @richkidsofInstagram
This article is from the podcast episode: 'Show Me The Money'
There are some things in life we’re born with. Talent, good looks - and the ability to sniff out money.
Because when we asked you this week in our Facebook Group ‘Large Almond Latte,’ for the subtle signs that someone has cash...
you had more answers than Google, or at least Bing. And it turns out fans, you’ve been cash spotting since you were knee-high to your mumma’s thigh.
Rich. Source: Mamamia
Primary school was a fertile ground to spot the cash elite. Fan Mark made friends with anyone that didn’t have a pantry full of home brand, but genuine articles, like real Weet-Bix and Kit Kats. Fans John and Jess made it a priority to hang around the kids that had Yogos and Dunkaroos at recess. They were living large. It turns out, if you’ve got cash, you can also pay for your kid to get a good grade, without actual cash exchanging hands. You just need to stock your kid up with the 72 set of Derwent pencils and they’re sure to get top marks in Art. Fan Laura was highly jealous of those kids.
Stairs, the ultimate status symbol for 10 year olds. Source: GIPHY
Foxtel or cable TV definitely made the difference between going to your house or theirs after school to play according to fan Jess. But I’m here to rebut that. I had cable TV always, but the most basic package, so my dad could watch the horse races from home and didn’t have to go to the TAB. It was torture seeing The Disney Channel and The Movie Channels and not having access to them because my parents wouldn’t fork out $80 a month so I could watch Hannah Montana. Rude. The ultimate status of child money though, stairs. Fans Jess and Marcia will tell you, someone with stairs is RICH. I was filthy at my parents for not having a house with stairs. My mum said she never wanted a house with stairs because it hurt her knees, which I thought was the worst excuse, but as an adult is something I 100% respect.
Spenny bathroom goals. Source: CG Trader
As with many innate traits, the abilities grow stronger over time. And as adults, we see that the home unveils many more clues that someone probably has an offshore bank account. Chloe points out the fridge has an ice dispenser. Not only did they not get their fridge of Facebook market place for $150, but they also got a plumber out to their house to add in a pipe for the ice dispenser. Rich. Fan Laura points out that every bathroom because they definitely have more than one, has Aesop. And if they’re dodging tax, they’ve even got the Aesop poop drops. That is well over $100 on soap and air-freshener. What’s wrong with the old gold bar of soap? I had to buy air-freshener the other day because my baby has been pooping like it’s going out of fashion and her room knows it. $2 Woolies home-brand, (that’s Countdown I believe for our NZ fans) and I’m sure when she coughs after I spray it it’s totally fine and not toxic at all. But I do have Aesop, (that I’ve received as a gift, obviously) and I just fill it up with some Palmolive when it runs out. Smells the same pretty much. Finally, you don’t recognise any of the furniture at their house. It’s not the same as furniture at your house or your other friends’ houses, because these types don’t shop at K-Mart or Ikea. As Nyx says, they shop at King Furniture, where a 3-seat couch costs a tidy $5k.
Credit card? You got it. Source: GIPHY
But hold your gasps, because they obviously got that sofa, like everything else in their house, ON POINTS. Personally, I’ve never had enough points to even buy a blender. But the 1% get everything on points, accordingly to fan Jess. Because when they do spend money, industry insider Simeon tells us it goes straight on the Black Amex and the term ‘Frequent Flyer’ (which just has a picture of a cashed-up type in the dictionary.) They don’t just 'drive down the coast' for summer. They’ve never seen the Murray River or the Gold Coast in their life unless it’s from their private jet as they’re heading off on their annual trip overseas trip, and unlike us, it’s not to Bali says fan, Jess. Can we all just take a minute to send our #thoughtsandprayers to all the friends who are unable to spend their winter in the European Summer this year.
Sold out for a reason. Source: kmart.com.au
One thing you never want to do is go out with the 1% and expect to leave feeling good about yourself. You’ll need to firstly book for an extra seat, because there’s no way they’ll be putting their new Givenchy bag on the ground, according to fan Sarah. They’ll be running five minutes late because they’re coming from their Pilates class, which unlike us, they don’t buy on ClassPass or use all of our five different emails to get as many 14 day free trials as possible. They sign up to their local ‘Wellness Centre,’ and pay for 12 months, IN ADVANCE according to fan Georgina. When they arrive, they’ll, of course, be head-to-toe in spenny activewear or maybe their Country Road Basics according to Fern and Jess. Maybe Jaggad or PE nation. That’s the Bayside Melbourne flavour. You might get a little joy if they purchased Lorna Jane’s most recently activewear line that claimed to repel COVID 19. Obviously old Lorna’s now in t-rouble because that’s absolutely not true. They definitely still won’t be wearing their Cotton On maternity activewear like you, even though it’s been some time since you actually had a child inside you or their $4.50 Kmart t-shirt.
When they order that sparkling. Source: GIPHY
They’ll sit down and the waiter will come over and ask ‘Still or Sparkling?' They say ‘Sparkling’ without hesitation. You immediately get stressed because now you have to wait and see if it’s a $14 bottle of sparkling that fan Lambi had to once foot the bill for, or if it’s from a soda stream. You definitely don’t want to split the bill with these people. When it’s time to order, as Sarai and Karina say, they’ll be ordering sides willy nilly. Guoc, hash Browns, halloumi. Whereas you ain’t paying $5 for a Hash Brown. You’ll get McDonald's drive-through on the way home to get yours for $1. If you’re lucky, you might even get something with McDonald's Monopoly.
While you’re eating, there’ll be great conversation. Work talk is obviously your go-to because what else is going on in your life and your rich friend is trying to make it big as an 'influencerrrr'. As Ember and Mia both point out, when the job doesn’t match their cash output, that is another sure sign of money, specifically family money. Later that night, they’ll probably be going VIP to a concert of a band they don’t even know, like The Rolling Stones according to fan Claire, because as Jess adds, their dad probably knows the manager. They're cashed up, always know someone, or let’s be honest, their mum or dad always knows someone. Like I always wonder when I watch Law and Order how people are just like “I’ll call my lawyer.” Who just has a lawyer? Are they just on call for the next time your kid gets arrested for a DUI? Now I know, the rich just know someone.
Source: GIPHY
But the rest of us? What a great breakfast, time to go home, take your pants off and lay down on your Ikea couch, watch Netflix from someone else’s account on your Kogan TV, while you’re crying into your 2-ply toilet paper about your average income. You get in your small Hyandai SUV that you bought on finance and hasn’t had a service since you bought it, while your friend gets into her BMW 4wd that she paid for upfront on the AMEX.
On the plus side, at least you won’t have to climb three flights of stairs when you get home, your couch is a tidy 3 steps from the front door of your 20 square foot house.
Listen to the Large Almond Latte Podcast every Tuesday for more Brunch Banter.
