The 1/3 Life Crisis
You can have a quarter-life crisis and you can have a midlife crisis but what about a third life crisis?
It definitely doesn’t have the same ring to it as a ¼ or mid-life crisis, so maybe that’s one reason why it doesn’t exist. But I was watching TV the other day and saw an ad for a pillow that goes between your legs to improve hip alignment and I was like, omg. I need that. Then I was like OMG, when did I stop being 23? And it got me thinking and I realised, there are sooo many markers that tell me I’ve hit 30. And yes, watching free to air TV that is not MAFS or Bachelor is definitely one of them. Because I’m so generous I’m going to share them so you can also recognise the symptoms of a 1/3rd life crisis
You froth a vaccuum
Dis you now.
We’ll start small so you don’t go into total shock. This podcast is not about extreme stimulation. You earn enough money to spend $700 on a vacuum and you bloody love that vacuum as much as you love cheese and wine. I literally use my Dyson every day. I would basically put her name on Christmas cards if it wasn’t weird, but it’s totally weird so next.
You basically drive a minivan now
RIP to your little hatchback uni car. Like, remember when you drove in your little Hyundai to your eyelash appointments with just your wallet, phone and your pump bottle of water? You drive an SUV now, specifically a small SUV. You don’t have a family of five, (yet), but it still needs to be big enough to fit a car seat in it. Your life is now driving your big Hyundai to Woolies with your reusable bags. I don’t even know why I got a bigger car. I have zero spatial awareness and even with the million cameras and things that beep at me all the time, I still can’t reverse park, or even park straight in it, so I have to drive around until I can find a car park that I can drive straight into.
You are not a CEO as planned
Your professional life is a joke. Okay, that’s a bit harsh. But when I graduated I was like, I’m going to work so hard and be a prodigy. I’ll have the best mentors that will help me climb that corporate ladder so fast! Fast forward to my 1/3 life crisis and I spend 70% of proletariat day whinging with my friends and talking about MAFS, 20% ‘getting coffee’ and like 10% of the day actually doing what I’m hired for. Okay, but I have two reasons I think are responsible for this. Firstly, I think in your 20s you really care, like obviously everyone puts their best life forward on socials and makes you need to be better, but then you just become older and wiser and see-through that facade and you just major ceeebs. Like the other day, I went to a shopping centre in activewear with coffee on my top and I ate McDonald's in the food court. Actually like 6 months ago I wouldn’t have done that, but I just did not care.
Secondly, and this one hurts, but I think if seeing people hoard toilet paper for a viral pandemic has confirmed anything it’s that people are stupid and it’s really hard to stay inspired. Like, as a graduate, I had worked so hard my whole life, so I assumed people who had professional careers also worked really hard and if they’d had 20+ year careers they must be SOO knowledgeable and omg I was so wrong. I mean, look at world leaders, look at our own PM. So, you know you actually don’t have those amazing intelligent people around you bringing you up and if you want something done you have to do it yourself, but honestly, that’s so much hard work and it’s way easier to just whinge about them for 70% of the day.
Like Cinderella, you're out by midnight.
Thiiiiirsty. Source: Drinkstrade.com.au
You go out In jeans and a nice top and only to bars or house parties and your self-imposed curfew is midnight. I celebrate so hard in my head when midnight hits because it means I can hit the drive-through and go home. Obviously clubbing is no more. If you are still clubbing, consider this a gentle nudge. When you’re out, you obviously on rose or Aperol. Gin has replaced vodka, but the more matured pallets drink Negroni and...Vodka Cruisers. It’s not your all-night drink, because the risk of diabetes is real, but when you need a light refreshment and a natural sugar pick me up (because another symptom of the 1/3 life crisis is that you are tired all the time), one that tickles the taste buds is a guava cruiser. And because of that nice full-time wage you’ve got, you can buy a whole slab.
Am I now mutton dressed as lamb?
You really start to reassess your fashion. Like, is it acceptable to still wear short denim shorts? I feel the answer to that is 100% yes. Like if you’ve still got killer legs, get them out. Especially if you’ve had a baby, they don’t ruin your legs like they do your belly, so flaunt them. But maybe you’re also questioning if you can wear chunky FILA runners with bike shorts. Mm, I mean, each to their own, but Imma stick to the denim shorts and Supegras girlfriend.
So in conclusion -I dunno. Maybe that all sounds dire, but honestly, as you would know, it’s not. Sleeping is awesome, living in activewear is super comfortable, and as I've said several times, you earn a full-time wage now, so you know you can buy the good cheese and wine. To put a posi spin on it, it’s not so much a crisis as an awareness.
And now, I'm off for House Hunters and a nap.