• Jessica Taylor Yates

Top 15 Curses And Conspiracy Theories

Cos this year hasn’t been crazy enough already...

Source: GIPHY


Anyone who knows me knows that I froth a good conspiracy theory, curse, or knowledge of an inside job. I was voted Most Likely To Believe COVID-19 IS Created By The Illuminati. I think it was an insult, but I was weirdly chuffed. Give me whistle-blower movies, conspiracy docos, stories blown wide open, the only thing I probably love indulging in more than a good old-fashioned conspiracy is a cult, which Nikki has covered and is amazing reading. Perhaps it is the Jewess in me who is weary of government, the creative who despises hierarchical control, a sense of curiosity, distrust, silliness, a very large tablespoon of stupidity and hey - they're a barrel of fun. While there are thousands to choose from, this list focuses on those that are well-known, popular, nutso, and with a fun curse or two thrown in for good measure. Are there any I've forgotten? Any you have proof of or believe in? Let me know whether it's a 'definitely, maybe, or a nah' in the comments below - and away to Crazyland, we go!



1. 5G Causes Corona-virus

Source: GIPHY


Much topical. Very now.

Perpetuated by those who wear tinfoil hats and probably use their smartphones and WiFi to share this information, this theory suggests that 5G 'degrades the immune system', helping the spread of corona-virus. According to Business Insider Australia, 5G, which is the 'next generation of mobile broadband' (?), is believed by those who subscribe to this theory to do 'physical damage', and corona-virus is 'fiction' invented to cover this up. I mean...millions of people around the world have gotten corona-virus who don't have any access to 5G but you know...keep it spicy.

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah


2. September 11 Was An Inside Job

Source: GIPHY


The 9/11 so-called 'Truth Movement' believes that the attacks were masterminded by insiders of the US government as a plot to invade Iraq for oil. They base this theory on documentary films such as Loose Change, which argue that scientifically, the buildings could not have come down from plane attacks alone. The nuances are quite complex, and the movement has gotten some traction; however, this has been solidly debunked by the US government and a multitude of journalists. The films can be compelling though...

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah

3. The Curse Of The Hope Diamond

Source: The Smithsonian Institution


Ooh yay, I love curses! I mean, I don't want to be under one. Just like, hearing about them. The Hope Diamond, weighing in at just over 45 carats (again, no clue what this actually means), is said to have originated in India until it was stolen by a French Gem Merchant named Jean-Baptiste Tavernier. After stealing it, he came down with a raging fever, and future owners all met cursed fates - King Louis XIV died of gangrene, subsequent owners Marie-Louise, Princess de Lamballe and Wilhelm Fals were murdered; James Todd had his leg crushed - the list goes on! Even though it now has a value over US$200 million, it sits safely in a glass box at The Smithsonian Institution in Washington D.C; where no-one can touch it and fall for its evil charms (I have seen it, but so far, so good...)

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah


4. Curse Of The Billy Goat

Source: GIPHY


This one is fun! I stumbled upon it with a friend in Washington D.C. It was pouring, and we ran to the closest bar for shelter. it turned out to be the 'world-famous Billy Goat Tavern', filled with paraphernalia on walls and floors about the Curse of the Billy Goat. The story goes that the Billy Goat Tavern owner cruised into a baseball game with his own billy goat in 1945, only to be told that his beloved pet would not be allowed into the venue for the Chicago Cubs game. Furious, he placed a so-called 'curse' on the Cubs, chanting that 'they ain't gonna win no more!' The Cubs then not only lost the World Series but didn't win one for the next 71 years! Many attempts were made to break the curse, including bringing a billy goat to the stadium in the Chinese 'Year of the Goat', electrocuting a baseball (I dunno either, tbh), and spraying holy water at games. It appears it was finally 'lifted' when the Cubs finally won the World Series in 2016.

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah

5. The Illuminati Run The World

Who run the world? Beyonce. Source: GIPHY Guys, remember when we were all really into The Da Vinci Code for some reason and got all into understanding pagan shit and albino killers? It was a simpler time. For me, it was the first introduction into the idea of the Illuminati - a secret society that controls the world, sort of like the group of fashionistas that control style at the start of Zoolander, but less important. This one does have some cred for its OG past - The Illuminati were a legit group in the 1700s, but it was more about sharing enlightenment and philosophical ideals for a bunch of Bavarian dudes. Like any creepy cult, it started with good intentions but ended up getting hierarchical with internal spies, rituals and a growing dissent for the outside world. But the question now is- did they die out or not? For believers, the most powerful people in the world, (once royals, now celebrities) are members and band together for power - think Jay-Z, Beyonce, Kanye - and 'Run The World' - everything from the moon landings to 9/11. 'Truthers' state this can be clearly seen in certain music, hand gestures, and numbers. I dunno - it sounds like so much work, and who can be bothered planning fake moon landings when you have a $100 million dollar athleisure brand to run?

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah


6. The World Is Flat

Source: GIPHY


Guys, I legit white girl cannot with this one. At least with 9/11 we have motivation, we have power, we have some semblance of so-called 'proof' (hello CIA, I am normal, I don't believe this, on your way). I accidentally wasted approximately 16 years of my life watching these people on Behind The Curve, a documentary that delves into the people who truly believe the Earth is flat. My question is - say it is (it isn't) - why lie? What would be the point of faking this, and hiding this truth from us, exactly? I don't get it. Watching the doco, it seemed more like a place for disillusioned and lonely people to come to forums and chat and the Flat Earth thing was just what got these people together. Ain't nothing like a love story based on a gigantic waste of time.

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah✓

7. Lizard People Run The World

He has glasses so it must be true. Source: GIPHY

Tbh I feel if you believe in this you should get yourself checked out. Do you also still believe in Santa and the tooth fairy? I can't. I can't so much that I can't even be bothered indulging in it. Long story short: A bunch of people a few bananas short of a bunch believe that there are shape-shifting 'lizard people' who take human form to take over the world - Queen Elizabeth, George Bush, Madonna (meant to be in the Illuminati, too - she busy), The Clintons - lizard lyf.

As I said. I can't. No time.

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah



8. The Moon Landing Never Happened

Source: GIPHY


My parents still talk about the day in 1969 when they were called into a special assembly. All classes were dismantled - a man was LANDING on the MOON! They've never forgotten what an absolute history-defining moment they were living in as Neil Armstrong cruised out of his spaceship and called it a 'Giant Leap for Mankind'. However, there are those that want to dispute the dream. At the time, America was in the middle of the Cold War with Russia, and the great 'Space Race' was one of the defining moments of the 20th century. Some believe that the Americans would do anything to prove that they 'got there first' with a great looking TV set, which was perpetuated by the look of real-looking space scenes in 2001: A Space Odyssey and Capricorn One. I'm not so sure. There's just so much to lose if they were ever found out, and considering the Russians actually did get a man in space first (poor Yuri Gagarin, he never gets enough credit) it seems pretty plausible that the next stop was the big crater in the sky.

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah


9. Marilyn Monroe Was Murdered

Source: People


Our Candle in the Wind Norma Jean Baker, aka Marilyn Monroe, had her life cut tragically short at the age of 36 when she was found to have died from a drug overdose or 'probable suicide' in 1962- but not everyone believes this to be so. Rumours were floating that she was hanging with the Kennedy brothers, and one or both of them acted either out of jealous rage or fear she would spill secrets. Or, perhaps it was the CIA, if she was a secret double agent or communist; or because she had multiple affairs. Or, perhaps it was the mob, who wanted access to the Kennedys; or people on her team, who wanted her money. The theories grew such momentum that a new investigation was launched by the CIA 20 years later. Whilst there were no criminal findings, the report did also show that the initial documents gave way to 'factual discrepancies and unanswered questions'. There is still the question of her personal diary, which was allegedly always with her but was never found...


Do you know what's sick is that you can read about the CIA inquiry? Right here.

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah



10. Harold Holt Was Kidnapped By Communists

lol. Source: Vintage News Daily

I mean...it's not, not true? As most Melbournians would be aware, in 1967, then-Prime Minister of Australia Harold Holt went for a swim at popular tourist spot Portsea - and never returned. His body has never been found, which has left many to speculate to this day about the true whereabouts of Harold Holt. Whilst the official cause of death was listed as 'drowning' (Melbournians paid their respects by naming a swimming pool after him - fact), some of the more interesting conspiracy theories include being abducted by a Chinese submarine, the CIA, he was a double agent, he faked his own death, and basically, anything else that turns our PM into James Bond. The jury is still out...

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah

11. Aliens Landed At Area 51

g2g, seeing an alien brb. Source: Know Your Meme

Oh, what I would give to cruise to Arizona and see all the people with foil hats here! Will and I have daydreamed about a honeymoon where we pull out deck chairs, crack open a drink and sit and laugh at them all. (This is why we are together: no-one else wants to do this and call it a honeymoon). Anyway. This one isn't completely crazy- to me, anyway, but I'm a bit of a loon. Area 51 is a highly classified US Air Force facility in Nevada, Arizona. According to TIME magazine, it's believed by avid UFO-watchers that Area 51 stores the remains of a crashed UFO spacecraft. This theory comes from 'a variety of supposed UFO sightings in the area'. To add fuel to the fire, the government's official line — that the details of Area 51 are 'classified for purposes of national security' — is only seen as further proof that the military is hiding aliens or alien spacecraft. You can read more about alien sightings, such as the famed Roswell sighting, here.

Not gonna say I don't believe...

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah

12. No Terrorist Attacks Are Real

Source: GIPHY


This one is so, so gross. These people believe that all terrorist attacks are 'faked' and count 'evidence' such as 'the same people in the background' that are 'crisis actors' on news coverage of some of the world's most horrible events, like the Sandy Hook shooting. Some of these people have gone so far as to attack parents who are grieving the tragedy, calling them 'actors'. The reason they believe this? America is making it all up to 'put more rules on owning guns'. I mean...maybe they should when people like this walk around...with guns...

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah

13. The Government Causes Cancer

Also the unfortunate name of my star sign. Source: GIPHY


Also known as the 'Chemtrail Conspiracy', these people generally believe that the government controls the weather, and secretly poison us through the air (like water vapour out of a plane) for a variety of reasons -political warfare, human population control, or simple testing of chemicals for battle.


Look, again - this one takes so much effort to believe in, who has the time? They don't go outside, they get really into pseudoscience, they're scared of everyone - it just sounds exhausting. I'm already trapped in my house against my will, I don't need another reason to never go outside again.

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah

14. Denver Airport Is Run By The CIA

I mean...why else is there an underground bunker? #justsayin...Source: GIPHY

K, so...I'm kinda into this one.

Stay with me.

Blown two billion over budget, without a clear necessity as the city already had another big airport, Denver International is also home to an alleged five storeys worth of underground tunnels. A bungled baggage system? Or a CIA lair for committing corporate espionage?! Plus, there's creepy art and stones everywhere that have been interpreted by the Illuminati/New World Order guys as part of their domain, alleged buried buildings (that can't be spoken about by a now-silenced former employee), and the bunker. All systems point to the obvious - that America's largest airport in a non-event city is actually being used as the headquarters for either the Illuminati, government, or CIA.

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah

15. Still Alive - Elvis, Tupac, OG Avril Lavigne and Paul McCartney 1.0...

"Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away" - Presley. Source: GIPHY

You've probably all heard at least one of these variations - Tupac is alive and well in New Mexico, Avril Lavigne and Paul McCartney died long ago and have been replaced by fakes, Elvis faked his death to escape the mafia (tbh that one's a pretty good read) and so on. This psychological phenomenon mainly comes about from people who can't handle the fact that a superstar they love has passed away, which is ridiculous. Except for the best of all time, Whitney and MJ, but that's different. They're totes still alive, I know it!

  • Definitely

  • Maybe

  • Nah

____


Honourable mentions: The Royal Family Killed Princess Diana (maybe), The Disappearance of MH370 (definitely), the Grimaldi Family Curse (definitely), Picnic at Hanging Rock (definitely), the Loch Ness Monster (definitely), the Kennedy Family Curse (definitely), the Superman Curse (definitely)...ooh, should I write a Part 2?...

Everything you need for the conversations you have at brunch.

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