UnpreceDATING Times

The pros and cons of dating in Stage 4 lockdown.

By Gee Kay

Source: GiPHY

Here in the land of lockdown, couples are getting to know each other better than ever. Gifted all this extra time, they are exploring their love and making fun new memories at home (well, as fun as a couples jigsaw party can be).  

Meanwhile, your single friend’s ongoing quest to find love s̶o̶m̶e̶w̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶g̶r̶u̶d̶g̶i̶n̶g̶l̶y̶ ̶ marches valiantly on. After all, these days, it’s more likely that you’ll bump into a panicked Karen at Aldi than the love of your life at The Tote.

Luckily, singles have somewhat of a menu of 21st-century communications to find and nurture budding relationships. That said, although singles are creatures of independence and resilience, they’ve had to flex both their expectations and creative spirit to find a ‘real connection’. 

Here, we explore their options (cue SVU music: Dun-DUN!)

The Text

Ugh texting, getting the emoji right, who needs it? Source: CBS

Pros 

• Ultimate low involvement, low maintenance encounter (some might say, like a certain podcast..)

• ‘Meet’ lots of people at once 

• The luxury of time to compose a witty reply 

• Grammar police kink (you know who you are)

• Can use millennial favourites: Emojis and GIFs 

• Easy to multi-task: cooking, cleaning, using the bathroom etc

Cons

• Added screen time to already long days online 

• Can be a lot of time investment for little reward 

• Possible catfish 🤔

The Phone Call

I shoulda left my phone at home cos this is a dis-as-ter! Source: Lady Gaga / Beyonce, Youtube

Pros

• Added tone of voice to decipher sarcasm 

• Can decide if voice is sexy/not sexy 

• Opportunity to judge karaoke ability 

• Can wear anything (or nothing...)

Cons

• Multi-tasking more challenging (however, not impossible) 

The Video Chat 

Oh, so we're wearing clothes? All good, just reading the room...Source: FOX

Pros 

• It’s only POLITE to receive a tour of their place. Easy to scan and snoop. (Wait, is that a…framed photo with Sam Newman?!) 

• Actual reason to find and wear those clothes that people used to…like shirts, dresses and stuff

• Crack out that make-up (or just light a candle and select 'touch up my appearance' online)

• Get to see their laugh/smile 😍

• Can judge their choices from the comfort of home: outfit, home decor and internet stability  

Bonus pro 

• Potentially meet their dog before due time 

Cons

• Potentially meet their housemate/family member before due time 

The Sober Masked Walk (1 hour max, within 5km radius, between 5am-8pm)

Hey hey, my my, sexy eyes...Source: GiPHY

Pros 

• Check out their stride 🍑

• Determine if height stated on dating profile is accurate 

• Time limit makes leaving easier - no need to make up an excuse 😇

• Opportunity to make use of those expressive brows and rediscover the lost art of eye contact 

• You can smell them and judge personal hygiene habits accordingly

Cons 

• Awkward 

• Uncomfortable

• Sweaty 

• Absolutely impossible to lip read

The Drunk Masked Walk (1 hour Max, Within 5km radius, Between 5am-8pm)

Lack of bathroom options makes a first date a tad awkward...Source: Disney Pixar

Pros

• More fun than The Sober Masked Walk 

• Fun and naughty secret that you share together (other walkers oblivious! Hehehe)

• Reason to pre-drink at home (day drinking alone repositioned as essential date prep!) 

Cons 

• Limited kick on options with the ol’ playground swings gone 

• Hard to understand slurred words under the mask

• Can’t drive 

• Nowhere to pee (!!!!!!!!) 

The ‘Intimate Partner’ Home Visit 

Safe sex just got a whole new meaning...Source: GiPHY

Pros

• No more ambiguity and awkward ‘What are we?’ conversations. Your relationship status is now defined by Dan Andrews and the law!

Cons

• Committing to be in their bubble/total monogamy on the first meet (note: could also be a positive)

• 8pm curfew means you gotta commit to the bit 🍆

____

AAAAND that’s it. All the options. In Stage 4. Literally - that's it. So stay safe lovebirds! And remember - if it’s not on, it’s NOT ON 😷

COMING SOON: STAGE 3*

• Masked walk outside of 5km (helllooo, other side of the river! 👋)

• A romantic stroll through the wide and mysterious aisles of Bunnings, featuring a bonus decent step count (and wood). 

*Timing very TBC

Cover image by ST ILLUSTRATION: CEL GULAPA