Gemma talked a lot about crowns, but the only Crowns I’m interested in is the one where I’m on the dance floor with Warnie at 2am.
Dear Mummy,
The mansion full of crazy girls keep fighting and mummy STOP FIGHTING I̶ ̶a̶m̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶l̶y̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶w̶h̶o̶ ̶d̶o̶e̶s̶ t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶a̶t̶t̶e̶n̶t̶i̶o̶n̶. I wish there was a way out l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶g̶l̶o̶b̶a̶l̶ ̶p̶a̶n̶d̶e̶m̶i̶c̶. They're weird. It’s been approximately 48 hours and t̶h̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶p̶ ̶t̶w̶o̶ ̶Irena and Bella are best friends. I mean...threeway, or…?
I got the sheilas together to play a game of outdoor c̶h̶e̶s̶t̶ chess, but then mummy, J̶o̶n̶a̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ Oshi got them to start t̶h̶e̶ ̶c̶h̶a̶l̶l̶e̶n̶g̶e̶ playing Never Have I Ever like 14-year-olds getting lit on UDL's at the skatepark. Plus, Maddy was in one of those train hats from Valleygirl, and Irena had clearly been on the old Muster straightener with her hair. What I’m saying is - WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME TODAY’S THEME WAS 2002? I would have busted out the Champion swishy tracksuit like nobody's business!
I feel I have made it ABUNDANTLY clear that LOCKY LIKE COSTUMES! Ffs.
Devastation aside, one of my sneaky questions was asking if they had ever sent a naughty pic. Weirdly, some said no, but like, who hasn’t sent a cheeky dick pic, am I right? Chicks dig.
Some girl called Gemma (?) won the game of g̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶t̶r̶o̶k̶e̶ ̶m̶y̶ c̶h̶e̶s̶t̶ chess, so I had to have a yarn with her under about 1000 globes from Ishka’s permanent closing down sale. Apparently she was Miss. Australia and did you know she was Miss. Australia cos she was Miss. Australia?
Ffs, no Mercer Valley, not even any bloody Bega slices!
This stranger Gemma, well mummy, when it comes to intelligence, Gemma is...really pretty. But she talked a lot about crowns and to be honest, the only Crowns I’m interested in is the one where I’m on the dancefloor with Warnie at 2am.
Wait, so do I get to wear the crowns at Crowns? Yes!
Then at the cocktail party, it was weird, cos t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶o̶r̶c̶h̶e̶s̶t̶r̶a̶t̶e̶d̶ the teacher came up with a crazy idea for a mud bath. It was a handy audition for MRS LOCKY ADVENTURE, as it proved to me she could easily get a job at Bodyworks Day Spa in Bali. We stripped down and put the mud all over each other, m̶i̶l̶d̶ ̶p̶o̶r̶n̶o̶ ̶s̶t̶y̶l̶e̶s̶,̶ and apparently her students were not disappointed. Plus, it meant everyone could see my sexy package, thanks BONDS. Apparently though, ol’ Laura Louis Vuitton was ranting that BATHERS ARE NOT APPROPRIATE at a cocktail party, and again, I thought in Bali bathers are appropriate 24/7 at dinner/the bank/church/funerals etc. so why not here?
The gentle notes from a porn sax in the background really helped the mood.
But apparently 'this isn't Bali' or whatever, so I had to get back in my suit. Mummy, they were all over me like I was the last sanga at a servo party, and a bunch of the strangers tried to talk to me - a girl called Marg I just met made an announcement about being upset but ENOUGH of trying to take Locky's show!
Nice to meet you.
R̶o̶x̶i̶ Prisonbreak mentioned she was dressed up for a solo date, but this was a cocktail party with everyone, as noted from the past seven years of the show? Mummy, I’m actually really stressed out about her. I thought the tatts meant she was tough and cool cos she also wears boy's shirts, but she's let the waterworks out at every party, and mummy I just can't have that when I'm cutting shapes at La Favela Bar in Seminyak.
Jesus, imagine what'd happen with Prisonbreak when I take some babin' influencerrsss white water rafting!
Like, at this rate if she became MRS. LOCKY ADVENTURE she’d land in a Kuta prison quicker than Schapelle, and I don't have the time to sort that out when I could be getting on the Bingtangs under a waterfall w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶B̶e̶l̶l̶a̶.
I kissed the other girls, had a mud bath and a slightly pornographic champagne moment with your bff, but it all meant nothing to me doll!
I mean, apparently ol' Prisonbreak said she just wanted to ‘knock somebody out’ and she may have been talking about the game of chess, but I just was not sure. And honestly mummy, she's stealing Locky’s screen time in a major way. Locky's show! It’s time to step it up and ̶s̶e̶n̶d̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶M̶e̶l̶b̶o̶u̶r̶n̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶a̶ ̶m̶a̶s̶k̶ threaten her with a ticket to Bachelor in Paradise.
That said, she wasn't the only one needing to call the wambulance. Worst party ever! M̶y̶ ̶s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶v̶e̶s̶ Irena and Bella were having a teary cos they're in the unique position of b̶e̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶p̶ ̶2̶ having a connection with ol' Lock, except that I feel connected to everyone, more connected than my tatt to my chess, whoops, chest.
Even then mummy, the 2002 theme must have continued, cos the birds were fighting like 13-year-olds in there! Prisonbreak went on to call S̶o̶p̶h̶i̶e̶ ̶M̶o̶n̶k̶'̶s̶ ̶e̶x̶t̶e̶n̶s̶i̶o̶n̶s̶ ̶Kaitlyn trash over and over again, and it's funny, cos the more someone says it just like food, you become it.
Pretty sure that came straight from Vishnu.
Finally mummy, I got to boot some bitches. I gave the first one to m̶y̶ ̶m̶i̶ ̶a̶m̶o̶r̶ ̶Bella. Even though I'm scared, I kept Prisonbreak cos there was so much glassware around the candles and I was genuinely scared she’d knock a bitch out if she didn't get one. I sent home a non-blonde (obv) and the penguin. She was cut but mummy let’s be honest, Bali is not a suitable climate for penguins. It was never going to work.
Be free, little Rosemary bird!
Love ya,
Lock
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The Bachelor AU images sourced by Channel 10
School of Rock GiF by Imgur from Paramount Pictures
Penguin Parade sourced by Phillip Island Nature Parks, Youtube
