Film Review: Desperados
A film desperado for some LOLz and getting none from me.
Desperados is the newest Netflix Rom-Com, starring a bunch of people whose faces you know, but don’t know where you know them from. Any cred that Netflix has built in the genre with To All The Boys, Something Great or The Kissing Booth has been destroyed like Hiroshima by this absolute bomb of a movie.
Wesley, played by Nasim Pedrad (who is Jasmin’s best friend in Aladdin), and also an SNL alum, is a perpetual adolescent in her 30s who cannot get her shit together. Cue first cliche of overdue bills and dead indoor plants. After getting rejected from yet another job, because she’s an unprofessional dead shit, she whinges to her two best friends. Brooke, (Anna Camp, from Pitch Perfect and Kaylie, who I actually can’t even pinpoint where I know her from. She’s a secondary character in a lot). She complains over wine and cheese because we know that’s how to relate to millennials, but honestly, I find the most relatable part is the cat that refuses their love.
Wesley goes on a blind date with Sean, (Winston from New Girl), who opts out of the date as soon as she opens her mouth because she is that annoying. I wish I had taken a page out of Sean’s book at this point and opted out of this movie. Alas, on her way out, she trips and when she opens her eyes the hottest guy is standing there. Jarred, (Robbie Amell, from Upload or The Duff). It’s fate, he must be the love of her life.
Because she’s concussed, she doesn’t immediately ruin it by talking, so she runs with it and pretends she’s a completely different person who doesn’t like fun things like hot dogs deep-fried in donuts, because he doesn’t. He tells her she’s the only normal girl left in L.A. and she froths, but her friends are stressed for her because it’s a bit fat lie, just like the trailer for this movie. Doesn’t seem like pretending to be someone else is going to pan out too well you say? Well, congratulations, you do not watch this to the end, but definitely keep listening to my review.
After the shtoop, Jared ghosts her for five days. Naturally, she gets white girl drunk with her trusty friends. They write him, well a drunk white girl email. Dissing on in this dick, his cunnilingus skills, eggplant emojis, you know the gist. We’ve all done it before.
But then he calls… from Mexico. He was in a car accident and has been in a coma for five days. He left his phone at the hotel. Ummm, recall the email? Please just recall the email and save me another 1.5 hours of physical pain, please. No, no they don’t...they decide they’ll all go to Mexico, find his phone and delete the email before he can read it.
Once they get to Mexico the next hour is unfunny gag after unfunny gag after overplotted, unfunny gag. Through a series of unfortunate events she ends up looking like she’s molesting a 12-year-old boy, she gets turkey slapped by a dolphin, gets kicked out of the hotel, but breaks back in and gets electrocuted and sent to Mexican Jail, which is not a Mexican Jail at all. I’ve watched World’s Toughest Prisons, and this was not it.
Before she got kicked out of the hotel, coincidentally she bumped into Sean who just happened to be on a holiday to Cabo by himself at the same time. Yes, you know exactly where this is going because this movie could not be more algorithmic, which explains why it’s so painful to watch. It’s like watching maths. It’s literally watching someone step out an equation in front of you when you already know the answer.
Sean bails her out of jail and her friends are done with her crazy and carrying the only actual comedy in this movie. They’re like, “We’re done with you,” leaving her to spend the day with Sean.
Uh, cue more unfunny tropes, like the classic swerve to avoid a goat and crash your car. Wesley and Sean d&m and drink Coronas before he takes her back to the airport to meet Jared, who is ready to go home.
On the plane home, Wesley takes Jared’s phone while he’s sleeping and doesn’t delete the email, she shows it to him, because he should know the real her. Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t want a bar of the real her because she’s annoying af and he’s also a bit superficial. Uhhh, what a waste. She’s hit rock bottom, which honestly wasn’t much of a fall.
But then things just really start to come together as they usually do at the end of a movie. She gets a job, (that Sean recommended her for), then she apologies to her friends and they hug it out. Then she stalks Sean on IG and goes to meet him, he’s on a blind date, but whatever she slides in and is like let’s get it on. Sean’s like prob not too much, but then swiftly changes his mind and chases after her, gives a speech and they kiss. Finally, it’s over.
I much more enjoyed IMDBing where I knew this cast from, rather than watching a single second of the actual movie itself. It was more overcooked that charcoal and caused me physical pain to sit through all 1 hour and 46 minutes of it.
3/10. Because the actors aren’t awful, but even Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto winning Oscars for Dallas Buyers Club didn’t make it a good movie.
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