If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills acquired from being obsessed with True Crime.
Reporting for duty. Source: Showbiz Cheat Sheet
This segment is from the Large Almond Latte Podcast Episode: "BAIII Social Taboos, Avoiding Vicious Felonies & Million Dollar Beach House"
If you’re a basic, white bitch like me, you probably froth true crime. And if you were on the case, you’d 100% know that a person who dies in a fire with carbon monoxide in their lungs was alive when the fire was lit, or that if a crime scene smells like bleach, sprinkle a bit of luminol on the scene to see the blood splatter. But what if you were involved in a crime yourself? I’m obviously not going to tell you how to get away with murder, there’s a TV show for that. What if you go missing or you’re falsely convicted? Well for the second week in a row, you can call me Detective Olivia Benson because I’m going to share with you some rules to follow, (with some strong input from my fav True Crime podcast ‘Crime Junkie’s Life Rules,’ ) to eliminate your involvement in a vicious felony.
1. YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW ANYONE, EVER.(you can only trust your dog)
Source: GIPHY
Sure, you look at the Golden State Killer or Ted Bundy and think, ‘how did the wife not know?’ But how many times have you found out facts about your friends that have totally surprised you? Even something as small as ‘they don’t like chocolate or dogs.’ Both sure signs of a psychopath. How many close friends have you had to block during this pandemic because they’ve received their Facebook University Law Degree? Don’t trust anyone, but yourself... and your dog. Always trust your dog. If a dog does not like a human, immediately get them out of your life.
2. NEVER TEASE A SECRET (spill secrets)
Source: GIPHY
If you have a secret, you MUST tell someone or you will be murdered. Never ever tell your friend “I need to talk to you about something.” Just tell them. Never ever say you’ve been scared someone is following you without going into to detail, in fact go to the police! If you hint at something like this, you will be murdered and your teaser will be a dead end to solving the crime. Crime Junkie uses the example of Swedish backpacker Karina Holmer. She wrote home to her friend in Sweden telling her she had secrets… and what do you know, she wound up in a dumpster. Mystery still unsolved 24 years later.
3. KEEP AN ‘IF I GO MISSING FOLDER’
That's the plan! Source: GIPHY
Before you read this one, make sure your significant other is out of earshot because it’s 97% likely they are the reason why you’re missing, so you definitely don’t want them having access to this.
You’d know that if someone isn’t found in the first 48 hours, the chances of them being totally fucked increase significantly, but you’d also know that it can take police forever to not only take your case seriously, like how many times have you heard the old, “we can’t do anything until they’ve been missing for 48 hours,” which btw is a total lie. But if they do take your case it can take them ages to get warrants to access your bank records, your emails, basically any personal information that could lead to a case solving hint. The ‘If I go missing’ folder contains all of this information in one place so it can be served up on a platter to the police. So, you’ll be found in the boot of a car before your kidnappers even hit the freeway. Most importantly you get to choose your own missing persons photo. But obvi don’t use one of you dressed up for da clubs, because you definitely won’t be looking like that when you’re pulled out of the boot. I’ve put a link in the show notes to Crime Junkie’s extensive ‘If I go Missing Folder.’ But you can totally create your own, make sure you include:
Social media passwords
Banking info
Dental records
Copy of drivers license
Mobile phone provider login
Fitbit/Apple Watch/tracking device passwords
Photos of identifying scars/tattoos
Clear unedited makeup-less/natural photo of your face
Photos of jewellery you wear often
Places you frequent
Handwriting samples
Fingerprints
Vehicle information
Photo of actual vehicle
Your typical daily route
Cell phone & laptop serial numbers
Contact info for your closest friends
4. TURN ON YOUR LOCATION SERVICES
Correct: Source: GIPHY
But what about my privacy, what about my data? I realise I live in 2020 and I understand the purposes of data sharing, so I’m okay with that at the best of times, but if Google having my data saves me from a sex dungeon, or proves I didn’t commit a triple homicide, I will pay you to take it!
If you’ve listened to ‘The Lighthouse,’ which is the podcast following the disappearance of missing Belgian backpacker Theo Hayez in Byron Bay, you’ll know that they were able to track his last known moves because his sister gave them access to his google account where his location services were switched on.
For Apple
Settings – Privacy – Location Services – ON!
Swipe down from the top of the screen.
Touch and hold Location . If you don't find Location :
Tap Edit or Settings .
Drag Location into your Quick Settings.
Obvi you should always have ‘find my iphone’ activated for the same reasons.
5. IF A HOTEL LOOKS SHADY, IT PROBABLY IS.
Stay away. Source: GIPHY
Do not stay there. You think that hotel in ‘Psycho’ looked nice an accommodating? No, it looked like a murder hotel. There’s a hotel in Hollywood called ‘Cecil Hotel.’ It is known for being dodgier than a cruise ship buffet. Since it was built in 1924, there have been sixteen deaths there. The Black Dahlia, who was infamously murdered in in 1947 was spotted having a beverage there a few days before her death and Richard Ramirez, also known as The Night Stalker who killed 13 people was residing there during his spree. Then in 1991 an Austrian copy cat Killer stayed there while he killed 3 prostitutes, then hung himself there. So, the place should be avoided at all costs.
Then in 2003, 21 year old Canadian Elisa Lam decides she wants to stay there while travelling. She talks to her parents everyday while she’s travelling, then five days after her parents report her missing, guest started complaining about the water quality. So maintenance workers go up to the roof and find her naked body in the water tank. As if that isn’t disturbing enough, the police then release this totally disturbing footage of Elisa getting into to the hotel lift. In the footage, Lam is seen exiting and re-entering the elevator, talking and gesturing in the hallway outside, and sometimes seeming to hide within the elevator, which itself appears to be malfunctioning. There’s still no answers but there are a million opinions on what’s happening from paranormal activity, to her bi-polar to the video being totally doctored. You’ll find it in the show notes and you must watch it, it’s so creepy.
Moral of the story, if the hotel looks shady, keep moving.
6. NEVER GET INTO A WHITE VAN.
Do not enter. Source: GIPHY
I know, lollies are delicious, it’s tempting. But no amount of lollies is worth being kept as a sex slave for 15 years.
7. IF YOU GET PULLED OVER BY AN UNMARKED CAR, IT’S TOTALLY OKAY TO CALL THE POLICE AND VERIFY. (verify that shit)
You Sure? Source: GIPHY
I want to add to this, don’t drive alone and keep a taser on you. Because I can just imagine that if I did that and my kidnapper was caught in the act, I would be overpowered and probably still kidnapped.
8. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR THUMB NEAR THE RECORD BUTTON (get receipts)
Always record. Source: GIPHY
If the hairs on the back of your neck start to prick up start recording. In 2017, two teenage girls in Indiana Abigal Williams and Liberty German were murdered in the middle of this giant forest park. One of the girls had her Snapchat going and got a shot of the man most likely the murderer and the police released some extremely creepy footage of the man telling the girls to go ‘down the hill.’ Although the murder has not been solved it’s a handy tool and could 100% save your life.
But what if you’re falsely accused of a crime? What do you do then? Besides cry, obviously.
9. NEVER TALK WITHOUT A LAYWER
Always. Source: GIPHY
Look, I don’t know how you do this, because I definitely don’t have a lawyer on retainer, but according to TV shows you just ask the police for one I guess? Sure you might look guiltier at first for not talking, but if Underbelly has taught me anything, it’s that the police are dodgy AF, so lawyer up.
10. NEVER TAKE A POLYGRAPH TEST
Don't do it. Source: GIPHY
Because an innocent person can fail a polygraph test. According to a report from the National Academy of Sciences, “[a] variety of mental and physical factors, such as anxiety about being tested, can affect polygraph results – making the technique susceptible to error. Ahh I would 100% fail. Who wouldn’t have sky high anxiety sitting in a concrete interview room for 24 hours, being interrogated for a crime they didn’t commit, facing the prospect of life in jain and never eating McDonalds again?! But if you fail, according to the Schiener Law Group once you have failed a government polygraph test, there may be little you can do to convince the police or a state or federal prosecutor that you are innocent. Secondly polygraph tests are usual inadmissible in court. So if you fail, any government decision makers will think you are guilty, but if you pass the jury probably won’t get the results anyway.
There you have it. Golden rules to live by. Bookmark it, copy and paste it. Burn it your memory.
Thirsty for more? Enlighten your earholes with a new ep of the Large Almond Latte Podcast every Tuesday.
