I mean, I know it was bad for you, but man was this good for me (sips large almond latte...)
This week in the Facebook group Large Almond Latte, we asked the question: What's the worst date you've ever had?
Man, was this fun. I mean, obviously not for the people who went on them. These dates sounded fucking awful. But to read, well, I definitely was sipping that large almond latte. If you missed it, first off, join the group, we do this fun shit every week, and second, there were some doozies. Catfishing, tardiness, grossness, sex pressure...nothing was off the table.
We started with fan Grace, who basically got catfished cos when she arrived, he looked NOTHING like his profile (side note - I don't get the point of this. You'd rather people get wowed than disappointed, no?) only for them to then go to the cafe he 'arranged', which was...closed. He ended up driving her to a super cheap Chinese restaurant (in the morning? No!) and suggested THREE times that they just go back to his for a tea and to 'relax'.
That said, food can seriously make or break a date. Fan Judith was immediately turned off when she was presented with a cold tuna tray bake on the beach and honestly, even just typing that made me feel sad inside. Fan Mia spoke of a friend who went on a date where a girl asked for leftovers...from the people who left the table next to them. Um hun, do you need some change and a ride to Centrelink? I remember going on a date where the guy ordered for me, and it didn't matter what he said after, I hated him wholly and completely.
There's also people who are just gross and despo, which are both equal turn-offs. Fan Steph went on a date with a guy who wore trakkies (pre-Covid, when this was unacceptable. Fine now obv), stuck his chewy under the table and then RETRIEVED IT AND PUT IT BACK IN HIS MOUTH AFTER THE MEAL. Boy no. Speaking of hard no's, fan Sasha had a date with a guy who asked her to be his girlfriend STRAIGHT away. Like, do you even know her last name?
Then there are the ones who give you 40 bad dates in one night. Fan Lauren went on a date with a guy who was little too revved, but to be fair Lauren, there were so many red flags there, we don't get why you stayed. He rocked up coked up (RED FLAG), ran into a girl he previously dated but said, "She's nothing!" (RED FLAG), got her to 'cover for him' as he 'topped up' (GIRL, RUN), got jealous when she said two words to another guy (CALL THE PO-PO!), pretended they were a couple to strangers, and topped it off by fuming when she didn't invite him in for a 'cuddle'. Ewww girl, NEXXTTT. What were you trying to do, have a year's worth of bad dates in one?
But guys, poor Polina. After matching with a dude, they agreed to dinner, except, he had already eaten it - at his mate's grandma's. Heh? He got her to pick him up (I'm sorry, but I already find that unattractive) because he had lost his license (double ew), stopped for darts at Woolies (classy), and when they got to the bar, told her 'Strike 1!' after she said she was Jewish (100% would have run WHY WERE YOU THERE STILL?) Even after this and him asking her to pole dance for him, SHE STAYED, when he asked casually, "I think you like to masterbate every night, how many vibrators do you have?" Like, what? Oh...and don't forget... he still needed a ride home.
My favourite bad date story ever though probably goes to fan Amy, who, after leaving her waiting for half an hour at the pub because he 'forgot his ciggies', went back to the dude's place. When she got to his room and saw no sheets, he said they were 'drying' (WHERE ARE THE OTHERS THOUGH?) When she demanded he find some, he extracted them from a suitcase that seemed to be his main clothes storage (yuckkk Amy why?) After falling asleep, Amy woke to a third person breathing. The dude turns on his phone torch (didn't have a lamp, obviously) and shined it to the edge of the bed where his naked female housemate was squatting on the floor - pissing!!! The guy was like, "What the fuck are u doing?" and she's like, "Shh it's fine go back to sleep." Um. There has never been anything LESS fine. Gross!!! His way of cleaning? Just putting a towel on it, like whatevs. Amy says the worst part was that the pissing chick stole her jacket. I'd be livid too.
One. Source: GiPHY
Pressure for sex or sex acts was a common theme, with fan Jessica stating that when she refused to perform sexual favours, he was like, cool, what about anal? WHO RAISED YOU? Fan Mia had similar, with a guy miffed she didn't 'finish him off'. Even creepier is Annette, who went on a date with a guy who insisted she call him 'Uncle Bruce'. Ewww, skin crawl! On the weekend I watched a Millionaire Matchmaker episode with my girl Patti Stanger when he asked the girl to call him grandpa. Guys are fucked.
It wasn't just first dates, either. Long timer and co-Laller Nicole is still salty that her baby daddy took her bowling for their 10 year anniversary (um, I love bowling but okay) while I, in a 5+ year rel, was fuming when my now-husband promised me a night out thank me, which ended by sitting in a sad Asian diner and getting pissed with his parents. He was ecstatic. I'm still holding the grudge. Maybe I should bring it up on his birthday?
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