Jessica Taylor Yates and Nicole Sherwin
- Sep 16, 2020

Bachelor Recap E11: Locky’s Letters Home

Roxi may have left the mansion, but the spirit of Ronda is very much still here...in Bella.

Take a picture, it'll last longer HAHAHA! No, but seriously, make this go viral yeah? Source: Channel 10

Dear Mummy,

Today, Channel 10 needed to find some extra funds for all the S̶T̶D̶ ̶c̶h̶e̶c̶k̶s̶ ̶p̶o̶s̶t̶ ̶l̶o̶c̶k̶d̶o̶w̶n̶ ̶ COVID masks, so they had us film a softcore porno, plus, I missed touching and feeling all my girlfriends. Kaitlyn said g̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶s̶e̶x̶u̶a̶l̶ intimacy is one of her strong points, but not sure if anyone told her probably best to leave that off her CV for future job opportunities?

Wow, personal assistants have changed since my day. Source: Channel 10

Then Mummy, they brought in N̶i̶c̶o̶l̶e̶, a random dating lady (possibly girlfriend #11?) to get the girls to feel me up s̶o̶b̶e̶r̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶b̶r̶o̶a̶d̶ ̶d̶a̶y̶l̶i̶g̶h̶t̶. It’s weird mummy, when they do it, it's fine, when I do it without permission, its “inappropriate” or whatever. The girls could have done anything they wanted and I kept waiting for a blowy but for some reason, it didn't happen? That is -1 MRS LOCKY ADVENTURE point for sure! I had to try really hard not to get a stiffy while they touched me, mummy, so I just kept thinking about ending up with a non-blonde so it would deflate:

The brown hair, nightmare! Source: Channel 10

Wait. I suddenly feel like an ice cream:

MAGNUM. IT’S BEAUTIFUL. Source: Quotesgram

That worked seamlessly. Then for some reason, I had to stand in front of the girls without my clothes on when the c̶h̶a̶l̶l̶e̶n̶g̶e̶ group date was finished, so hopefully, this means they’re bringing back the CLEO Centrefold just for Locky? Locky like being nakie outdoor.

Bella got mad at Irina for something to do with not sharing toys or something equally as lame. I had no time for it, so decided to hang out with Daddy Steph at the fance Novotel instead. Luckily, Ishka were able to use some of the extra candles and fairy lights and shlepped them along for our couch date. It was a bit borza, plus there was no food so I wrapped it up pretty quickly to head home to some of those servo sangers.

The next day, I decided to take t̶h̶e̶ ̶r̶u̶n̶n̶e̶r̶ ̶u̶p̶ Irena to a park, cos not sure if you know mummy, but LOCKY LIKE OUTDOOR. I heard Juliette does too, but I have not seen this side since #notegate2020.

It's not a quad bike, but it'll do. Source: Channel 10

Moving on. So it was time for Irena to go on the ultimate test - is she ready to be MRS LOCKY ADVENTURE? We went for a bike ride and I didn't need training wheels or anything cos I’m a big boy! Also, sitting in grass didn’t cost nuffings so was ultimate savings for Channel 10 - save the big bucks for a new outfit for ol’ Locky Boy as this is MY SHOW. I spose you’d say Irena’s outdoorsy in the way that she’d love a VIP couch at Tropicola Bali. Then C̶h̶a̶n̶n̶e̶l̶ ̶1̶0̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶d̶u̶c̶e̶r̶s̶,̶ I set up a a̶ ̶s̶w̶a̶g̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶I̶s̶h̶k̶a̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶d̶l̶e̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶r̶i̶c̶k̶ ̶I̶r̶e̶n̶a̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶w̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶d̶o̶o̶r̶s̶ ̶i̶s̶ date that I take 100% credit for cos I mean, without me, would tv even exist?

I'm sure she knows that camping in a swag is just like this. Source: Channel 10

After that mummy, Irena said she had a bombshell to tell me. I was nervous. Did the UGG boots I whipped out not fit? Does she...not like outdoor? Not like adventure? Omg...does she not like Kuta?! I was sweating balls, but she came out with the L-word and we had a sweet pash. It was a big drop but let’s be real mummy, she’s only human, and I am the L-dog HAHAHA. I gave her a rose just to keep her heart pumping for me a bit longer.

I felt I needed to spread more of my peen around, so I took out t̶h̶e̶ ̶K̶o̶o̶k̶a̶b̶u̶r̶r̶a̶ Issy to unravel some string. The producers said we were basically going on a date on par with a boat through Sydney Harbour, but I was fuming. So instead, I wanted to assess if she would drop her whole life to move to Bali and spawn my children immediately. I asked how she likes to travel and well, she was obviously lying about liking camping > hotels, but, she will change to win the ultimate competition to become MRS LOCKY ADVENTURE. Kook was handy as well, she stopped the date being awkwardly silence with that laugh.

Nothing funny about string, Issy. Source: GiPHY

She’s cute and nice and likes Bali and everything I want in a woman. Obviously, I won’t pick her cos PSYCHEEEE!

Wait, you want me to pick someone who might work for me but not Instagram?! Lols. Source: GiPHY

Back at the Ishka mansion, we got our g̶o̶o̶n cocktail party on. V̶i̶r̶g̶i̶n̶ ̶M̶a̶r̶y̶ Juliette had a bit of a meltdown mummy. I decided to tell the producers to shove it, I could not keep the c̶e̶l̶i̶b̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶b̶r̶u̶n̶e̶t̶t̶e̶ woman who did not g̶i̶v̶e̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶t̶i̶f̶f̶y̶ make my heart sing around any longer. She was rattling on about something called TokTik and DMs and chainsmoking rappers and honestly mummy, 1) I am the one who talks, this is LOCKY’S SHOW and 2) she is just not Kuta material - can she even bear me twins?

Wtf is TikTok? Can I use it to go wind-surfing? Source: Channel 10

I removed her like she was a rogue bed bug in my Kuta villa a̶n̶d̶ ̶g̶o̶t̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶y̶ ̶t̶i̶c̶k̶e̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶B̶a̶c̶h̶e̶l̶o̶r̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶P̶a̶R̶A̶D̶I̶S̶E̶-. Bye!!

Juliette driving into Drake's DM's. Source: GiPHY

Otherwise, something is going on with mi amor, Mummy. It’s like the spirit of Ronda has invaded her. She’s gone full troppo. Like, I'm really starting to feel that Bella is the girl you date for three months, then come home and realise she’s thrown out all your Bingtang singlets. I know I said the bitchfest between her and Irena was good for my Real Housewives of Kuta show, but Bella’s gone full Tonya Harding with the way she’s trying to cut Irena out.