Call me Detective Olivia Benson, because I've been investigating what happened to your first ever crushes.
Shhh. Source: nickiswift.com
This week, we asked you in the Large Almond Latte Facebook group, "What's the worst movie you've ever seen?"
A few weeks ago, Jess and I shared our list of definitive worst romcoms ever and fans, you got rowdy. This is not podtatorship, it’s a podocracy, so we gave you the mic to share your worst movies ever. I had every intention of doing a segment on it, but then to my great surprise, I hadn’t actually seen a lot of the movies and honestly, after your feedback, nor do I want to. I would rather headbutt nails than watch a movie starring only seagulls with no dialogue, thanks fan Annette. Instead, I’ve stayed in the general realm of movies, albeit on a leash as long as the one in Will and Jada’s open marriage.
Henceforth, you may refer to me as Detective Olivia Benson, because today I have been investigating offences considered especially heinous. The worst celebrity crime of all: the disappearance at the height of fame. Fans, I’ve been sleuthing the streets of the interwebs to find the whereabouts of the subject of your TV Hits Wall posters. Let's go:
Jonathan Taylor Thomas
11 month old me couldn't even. Source: Ophah Mag
Jonathan Taylor Thomas was my first introduction to sex. I was eleven months old, watching Home Improvement through the bars in my cot, thirsting over this eight-year-old's bowl cut with a pack-a-day smoker's voice. Is it acceptable to have a crush on an animated animal? Because I did. JTT voiced OG Simba and he was a babe. But the pressures of childhood fame, aka my dream, were too much. JTT decided he wanted to get an education that consisted of more than four hours a day locked away with a tutor in a caravan on set. He left Home Improvement and went on to study at Harvard and Columbia. But hold your applause. At Harvard, he studied ‘Philosophy’ and at Columbia ‘General Studies.’ What an anti-climax! So he’s basically that guy that went to the moon with Buzz and Neil and didn’t get out of the rocket.
Has aged like a fine wine. Source: PopSugar
Unsurprisingly, it seems he used neither of those degrees and has quietly slid back into Hollywood. He’s had a few guest spots, most notably on Last Man Standing with his former TV daddy Tim Allen, however, his main focus has been on writing and directing. It’s rumoured his teamed up with his former TV brother Zachary Ty Bryant and the king of child stars, Macaulay Culkin, to work on some projects. Remember, JTT is flush from all that child star money, so I guess he’s just one of those people who doesn’t have to work 9-5 as a Philosophy Lecturer, which, let’s be honest, was the only job he was getting with either of those degrees. He has the cash to throw at whatever he feels like doing at the time. Like rich kids who’s parents pay for them to have singing careers even though when they sing they need some WD40.
Freddie Prinze Jnr
He's all that. Source: USA Today
In 1999, Freddie Prinze Jr was named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. He was riding high of the success of peak 90s bangers like I Know What you Did Last Summer and She’s All That. This quasi-Cinderalla story became the template for films to follow including To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. Freddie Prinze Jr walked, so Noah Centineo could run. How do you top that success?! You don’t. The only direction is down, and just like the ‘millennium bug’ Freddie slowly slipped into oblivion as the clock struck 2000. But like JTT, it was partly intentional. He said he knew his wife of 18 years, (yes, you’re old AF) Sarah Michelle Gellar, aka Buffy, was the gal for him when on their first date she ate everything, including the crab that the chef killed right in front of them, unlike the other gals in Hollywood who survived on a diet of cocaine and toenails. Honestly, I think SMG might be the gal for me too.
Hollywood's longest marriage ever. Source: Daily Mail.
By the time SMG had born his crotch fruit Charlotte and Rocky, Freddie’s priorities had shifted. Pull out our tissues, because Freddie’s dad took his own life before Freddie was one, which hung over him throughout his childhood. He said when his daughter was born that was it for him. That was his focus. My ovaries are exploding. I know realistically I’m celebrating a man for doing the bare minimum. He’s a parent, prioritising being a father and no woman gets celebrated for prioritising motherhood, but I can’t help the way my ovaries feel about this. Imagine doing the school pick up and chatting with FPR at the front gate. He hasn’t retired from acting entirely; he’ll take a gig as long as it doesn’t take him away from his family. There’s a lot of Star Wars related roles on his IMDB as some guy called Kanus, which interests me less than a philosophy degree and most recently he’s signed on for a remake of some 80s show called Punky Brewster.
Aaron Carter
What a lewk. Source: Worldation
I Want Candy. Like many a missing persons case, they don’t all have happy endings and this story is a sad one. After briefly stepping out of his brother’s shadow for his 15 minutes (and being the poster that hung above a 9-year-old Jess's bed...is that inappropriate?), Aaron Carter has not had a good time. Shortly after Aaron turned 18, he filed for bankruptcy. It turns out his parents had not attended Kris Jenner’s School for Momagers and had grossly mismanaged his money. Like instead of keeping a trust fund, they bought 12 houses. Honestly, this feels like something I would do with my child’s adolescent earnings so I can continue to enjoy the real housewife life. He didn’t blame them, he just wanted to get on with his life, but drugs and mental health issues are not a recipe for happily ever after. Last year he used Twitter to broadcast allegations of life long abuse against his family members. Nick and his sister Angel had to get a restraining order against him because he’d even threatened to kill Nick’s pregnant wife. He did to go rehab but if it stuck is another question.
Quite a transformation. Source: The Blast.
In January this year, he announced he had a new girlfriend, Melanie Martin. In March, said girlfriend was arrested on domestic violence, and in April the couple announced they were expecting. To support his budding family, Carter has created an OnlyFans account, charging $50-$100 for a nude or $26 per month if you’re interested, but I’ve assessed some reviews and they are not favourable. Especially now that there is a bebe involved, I genuinely hope he has some supportive people around him, but if history tells us anything.. I’m sceptical.
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Obviously there are thousands of celebrities that go missing every year, that’s just scratching the surface, so if you’ve got a case you’d like this detective to investigate, slide into my DMS, my rate is $1500 per hour and PayPal deposits will be fine.
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